Your Love Is A Lost Code
by bohemiangirl
Summary: After Meredith tells Derek not to date anybody she sees him kissing Rose, shattering her already fragile self esteem. On a night out with a new friend she tries something that she may or may not live to regret. Rated M for drug references. Please review :
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER: I don't own these characters, except Seth. This is not done for profit.

**CHAPTER 1**

Meredith groaned as her screaming alarm clock awoke her from her alcohol induced slumber. She rolled over and turned it off. Her head was pounding, her throat was dry and sore and she knew that she would have to vomit before the morning was over. If she'd known better she would have regretted drinking herself to sleep but she didn't. It was the only way that she would be able to get to sleep at all. She closed her eyes again and ran over the events of the night before.

"I don't want you dating anybody else," she had told Derek at the hospital. She was sure that he knew what an enormous step this was for her; to admit that the break up sex wasn't enough. She loved him and whilst she couldn't even admit that to herself just yet, she was making progress.

"What are you so chirpy about?" an exhausted Christina had asked as Meredith skipped into the residents' lounge. "Did you get on Hahn's new procedure? Because I have worked way too hard to miss out on-"

"What?... No," Meredith said "I told Derek not to date anybody else." Christina looked noticeably impressed

"And?" Christina asked. "What did he say?"

"He said nothing," Meredith said with a satisfied smile. "He didn't need to. Let's go get a drink."

"We don't finish for another ten minutes," Christina said.

"So we'll be rebels," Meredith said with a mischievous smile. "I know you can do it."

"Oh shut up," Christina said, closing the enormous textbook in front of her. "You're buying."

Meredith and Christina entered Joe's bar chatting away. Christina had stopped sharp when she saw something she wished Meredith didn't have to see.

"What is it?" Meredith asked, following Christina's stunned gaze. In the corner of the bar, away from the noise of the drunken hospital stuff, Derek sat at a table with a woman that Meredith vaguely recognised as a scrub nurse that she had seen on several surgeries.

"Who's that?" Meredith asked.

"I don't know," Christina replied, equally stunned.

"It's probably nothing," Meredith said, turning her eyes away from Derek and back to Christina. "I eat lunch with George and Alex all the time and…" her voice trailed off as she saw Christina's facial expression change dramatically. Meredith turned her head back around to see Derek and the scrub nurse kissing tenderly. Derek gently pulled away and his eyes quickly scanned the room to see if anybody had noticed. He didn't see Meredith and Christina.

"Mer-" Christina started to say.

"Just don't-" Meredith had said, taking off out the door. Christina followed her.

"Meredith, slow down for God's sake. Come on."

"I'm so stupid," Meredith shouted back. "Please, I just want to be alone."

The phone in Meredith's room rang, snapping her out of her thoughts. She didn't know how long she had been lying there, hung-over and replaying what she had seen the night before over in her head. She picked up her phone. It was Christina.

"Where are you?" she asked. "It's 8:30. Our shift started an hour and a half ago."

"What?" Meredith asked.

"You sound like crap," Christina snapped. She wasn't one to mince her words.

"I'll be there as soon as I can," Meredith said, hanging up the phone and forcing herself to get into the shower.

Twenty minutes later Meredith arrived at work.

"You look trashed," Alex said as they crossed paths in the hallway.

"Thanks," she replied sarcastically.

"Grey!" Miranda Bailey called out from behind her. Meredith prepared herself for the onslaught. "Now I don't know why you're here nearly two hours late but you've missed your surgery with Slone."

"I'm sorry," Meredith said. "I won't miss the next one."

"I'm afraid you will," Bailey said. "Stevens has taken your position in plastics for the week. Now I was going to stick you in post op to teach you a lesson but Doctor Shepherd has requested your presence in one of his surgeries this afternoon."

"Can I go to post op?" Meredith asked. Bailey raised her eyebrows at her.

"Are you insane?" she asked.

"Quite possibly," Meredith answered in all seriousness. Bailey shrugged.

"Take it up with Shepherd," she said. Meredith sighed and continued down the hall.

By the afternoon and after two vomiting spells, Meredith had managed to avoid crossing paths with Derek, who had been stuck in a difficult surgery all morning. Her luck changed when she went to visit a patient, trailed by her nervous interns, and saw Derek standing in the room.

"Doctor Grey," he said with a slight smile. "I'm glad you could join us." Meredith didn't reply. "Can you please explain the procedure which we are going to perform on Mister Williamson?"

"Sure," Meredith said with a smile at the patient, trying her hardest not to appear hung-over. She glanced at the notes on the clipboard in front of her.

"Mister Williamson has a grade one benign tumor which is in close proximity to the Vagus nerve. What does this nerve affect?" she asked her interns.

"It affects the involuntary muscles such as the heart and parts of the intestines," George answered.

"Very good," Meredith replied.

"And why do we need to remove this tumor, even though it's not malignant, as soon as possible?" she asked again.

"Because he could die if we don't," one of the interns replied. Meredith winced.

"I'm sorry," Meredith said to her patient. "They're interns who unfortunately have spent too much time looking at textbooks and not enough time with patients."

"It's fine," Mister Johnson replied with a gentle smile. "Everyone has to learn sometime." Meredith smiled sympathetically.

"Doctor Shepherd is going to make an incision into your scalp and then he will remove a piece of your skull to reach the affected area. The size and shape of the tumor means that as far as brain tumors go, it is one of the better ones to have. The area in which it is located means that this procedure will take longer than usual as more delicacy is required. You will be moved to ICU when it's over. Do you have any questions?"

"Those interns won't be touching me will they?" he asked.

"You have my word," Meredith said.

"Now, Doctor Grey, if I can get a word in," Derek said. "Mister Williamson, I need you to sign these consent forms and to notify us of your next of kin."

"That would be me," a handsome young man, seated beside the patient said, standing up. "I'm Seth. Your patient's son." He looked at Meredith with a charming smile. He leant forward and kissed her on the cheek. "I'm sorry," he said, with pretend shyness. "I have trouble controlling myself in the presence of such beautiful women." Meredith's interns giggled. Meredith didn't know what to say.

"Doctor Grey!" Meredith and her interns were following Derek into theatre when she heard somebody calling out her name. She turned around to see that it was Seth. "You're about to operate on my father."

"I remember," Meredith replied. Her interns giggled. "Shoo!" she said to them, gesturing for them to go away. "Look, your father is in excellent hands and-"

"I don't doubt that," Seth said with a charming smile. He stood close to Meredith, almost forcing her to take in his strong physique, his baby blue eyes and his perfect hair. He could have been a model, she thought. "What are you doing tonight?" he asked.

"Uh… finishing off assisting in your father's surgery."

"After that?"

_Getting drunk and yelling at Derek _she thought to herself. "I uh… haven't really thought about it." He handed her an invitation.

"I'm a DJ and I'm opening a new club tonight. My aunt's gonna take over watching Dad here. I asked around and I hear that you have a day off tomorrow so I'm gonna put your name on the door. When you get there you ask for me and I'll give you my undivided attention. I'll get you drinks; play any song you want and give you access to all the VIP areas."

"Thanks, I'll think about it," Meredith said, flattered.

"No thank you for taking care of my father," Seth said. "Please come. I haven't been able to get you out of my head."

Meredith washed her hands under the steaming hot water and then froze when she saw the face of the nurse who went to help her into her surgical gown.

"Problem?" Rose asked. Meredith swallowed.

"No," she uttered unconvincingly. She let Rose help her into her gown and they entered the operating theatre together. Derek's eyes widened when he saw them together. Meredith glared at him.

"Okay are we ready to go he asked?"

"He's out. Whenever you're ready," the Anesthetist said.

"Okay here we go," Derek said, slowly making the incision on Mister Williamson's head which had been shaved and sterilized. A nurse started the music that Derek had previously selected.

"Nice way of telling me," Meredith said quietly. She surprised herself by bringing it up at such a delicate moment.

"What?" Derek replied. Meredith looked towards Rose who was adjusting one of the machines. "How did you-" Derek whispered.

"Well you didn't try too hard to hide it," Meredith whispered back angrily, but also impressed by the incision that Derek had made on Mister Williamson's head. "I saw you at Joe's." Derek sighed.

"I tried to tell you," he said.

"When?"

"Last night when you told me not to date but you wouldn't let me talk."

"So are we over?" Meredith asked. Derek sighed and didn't answer. He began the dedicate task of cutting into Mister Williamson's skull. "I'm going to page somebody else," Meredith said.

"What?" Derek asked.

"I don't want to be responsible for this patient dying." Meredith stormed out of the OR leaving her stunned interns standing there wide eyed.

Meredith sat in her room with an empty bottle of tequila. She wasn't completely drunk, surprisingly but she was getting there. She checked her phone to see if Derek had called her. Nothing. As she pulled the phone out of her bag the invitation that Seth had given her fell to the floor. She looked at the clock. It was 10:45pm. Meredith knew that she wouldn't be sleeping that night no matter how much she drank so she stumbled into a short skirt, a halter top and heals and caught a taxi to the club.

"Doctor Grey!" Seth greeted her at the door after she had asked for him.

"Call me Meredith," she said, slurring slightly.

"Come with me, gorgeous," Seth said charmingly, putting his arm around her. "You look amazing. Let me get you a drink." They went into the noisy club and pushed through a crowd of people. Seth lifted the rope to the VIP section where a waitress passed them a drink each. Seth took Meredith over to the DJ's booth and together they selected songs and drank, laughing and enjoying each other's company. "Come over here," Seth said, taking Meredith's hand once he had programmed a number of songs into his equipment. He led her into a back room, picking up two more drinks on the way. He pulled a vial out of his pocket once they were away from the crowd. He poured half of it into his drink and sunk it back. "Now this is now you have a good time," he said with a mischievous grin. "Have some."

"What is it?" Meredith asked, slurring even more now.

"It's a little something I like to call fantasy," Seth said. "It makes your wildest dreams come true. It's the best feeling. You forget you're human, you know? You just feel so free."

The doctor in Meredith knew exactly what it was. Somewhere within her she knew exactly what this drug could do for her; good and bad, however in that moment the dark and twisty, angry, hurt and very drunk Meredith overpowered the good, sensible girl. She took the vial and tipped the remainder of the drug into her drink and sunk it back like there was no tomorrow.

"Let's dance," she said to Seth, pulling him out of the room and onto the dance floor.

"What's wrong?" Seth asked Meredith as she stopped dancing. "Come on!" he said, grabbing her arms and trying to dance with her. Meredith pulled away. Everything was spinning. Her chest felt tight and she was having great difficulty breathing. She tried to grab onto something that wasn't moving but everything was spinning. Suddenly she fell to the floor and started convulsing. The women around her started screaming, panicking as Meredith's eyes rolled back in her head and she foamed at the mouth as she thrashed about violently on the floor.

"Somebody call an ambulance!"


	2. Chapter 2

I noticed that a lot of people have subscribed to this story which is great. Would you also be able to review and just provide a little bit of feedback? It's encouraging and lets me know how you think the story is going.

**CHAPTER 2**

"This had better be good!" Miranda Bailey said as she headed down to the ER after receiving an urgent page just as she was about to leave the hospital. "Well… what is it?" she asked a stressed out Alex who was treating a patient, observed by his interns who watched on, bewildered.

"It's Meredith," Alex said in disbelief.

"What?" Bailey asked. She pushed Alex aside and gasped in shock when she saw Meredith Grey unconscious, lying on her side on a hospital bed. She was connected to an IV which was pushing fluids into her. "What happened?"

"The paramedics said she collapsed in a club. She's been having seizures ever since and hasn't regained consciousness."

"Alright," Bailey said, trying to stay in control. "Don't panic. You need to get a head CT, take a FBC, a-"

"Already done," the nurse assisting Alex spoke up. "As well as a blood alcohol test and drugs screen."

"Don't be ridiculous," Bailey said.

"She smells like tequila, ma' am," the nurse said. "And the drugs screen is routine. You know that." Bailey nodded.

"Was the CT scan clear?" Bailey asked. Alex nodded, still trying to take in that the patient in front of him was Meredith, his friend who he'd always had an unspoken understanding with. Bailey racked her brain to think of what could be wrong with Meredith. "What do you think it is?" she asked Alex.

"If it wasn't Meredith I'd say drugs. We've had so many overdoses lately. There's some nasty stuff floating around."

"Well it aint drugs so try harder!" Bailey shouted at Alex, losing her temper.

"I know that. This is Meredith!" Alex uncharacteristically shouted back. Suddenly Meredith started convulsing again. "Shit!" Alex said.

"Should we call someone?" the nurse asked, trying to diffuse the tension between the two traumatized doctors. "Next of kin?"

"Um…" Bailey racked her brain. She wondered if she should call Derek. She couldn't keep up with the love lives of her residents. She asked Alex who didn't know if they were still together. Bailey thought about who else she could call and realised sadly that Meredith didn't have anybody.

Bailey took the elevator to the surgical ward. This wasn't the kind of news that should be told over the phone. She saw Rose, a scrub nurse, helping Derek out of his theatre gown after their lengthy surgery. They smiled and laughed together.

"Ah hem," Bailey said, loudly clearing her throat. Derek turned around.

"Don't you have a family to get home to?" he asked Bailey with a smile.

"I'll see you later," Rose said, giving Derek a kiss on the cheek and leaving. Derek turned to Bailey, looking embarrassed.

"Did you need to see me about something?" he asked her. Bailey shook her head, figuring that Derek and Meredith weren't together any more.

"No," she said. She turned and walked away, leaving Derek standing there confused.

Bailey arrived back in the ER. Alex looked up at her gravely.

"The blood test results came in," he said quietly. Alex handed the results to Doctor Bailey, knowing that she wouldn't believe them unless she saw them herself. She looked at the results, stunned, and then looked down at Meredith who was still unconscious.

"No… there must be some kind of mistake."

"I double checked," Alex said. "She has GHB in her system. "We've started her on activated charcoal. I just hope that we got to it in time." They looked down at Meredith, knowing that there was nothing more that could be done for the time being. They just had to hope that they had got to her in time and that she responded to the treatment.

"Transfer her to a ward," Alex said to the nurse with a mixture of anger and sadness. He stood back and shook his head as Meredith was taken away.

Bailey knocked on Doctor Richard Webber's door and opened it before he could say anything.

"What?" he asked, knowing immediately that something was very wrong by the look on her face.

"It's Meredith," she announced. "She was bought in after having seizures at a club. They found GHB in her system." the chief didn't respond. "It's a very dangerous-" Bailey started.

"I know what it is," the chief said. "It's a date rape drug."

"It's also a party drug," Bailey added.

"You're saying that she took this voluntarily?" Richard asked surprised.

"I don't know," Bailey replied. "I'm just stating the facts."

"Any evidence of rape?" the chief asked.

"No, Sir," Bailey replied. "Apparently she was dancing right up until she collapsed."

"I need to see her," Richard said, leaving Bailey standing alone in his office.

Meredith awoke in a sterile hospital ward, unsure of where she was. Her head was pounding and she ached all over. She saw the tubes sticking out of her arm and tried to pull them out but was too weak. She tried to sit up but couldn't.

"I wouldn't be going anywhere if I were you," a familiar voice said. Meredith turned her head and saw Richard sitting in a chair near her bed.

"What happened?" she asked weakly.

"I don't know," he answered. "Why don't you tell me?" Meredith laid back and closed her eyes. It all started to come back to her; the drinking, the dancing, Seth… "Well you're not denying it," Richard said. Meredith stared at the ceiling, not knowing where to look. Richard was filled with anger. "I can't believe that you deliberately took GHB knowing exactly what it could do to you!" he yelled, standing up. "And with alcohol?! I wont even repeat what your blood alcohol level was and-" Meredith wanted to fall through the floor.

"Get out," she said with quit anger, physically feeling worse by the second and feeling her eyes welling with tears, something she didn't want the Chief to see.

"Excuse me?" Richard replied, astonished.

"I'm a patient. I have rights," she locked eyes with Richard. "Don't play father figure with me." Meredith rolled onto her side, away from Richard so that he couldn't see the tears starting to roll down her face.

When Richard was gone Meredith allowed herself to cry. Her frail body wracked with sobs as she cursed herself for getting herself into this position. She always screwed up, she told herself. Life had never seemed to be on her side and when she thought that it couldn't get any worse she always had a way of hurting herself even more. She replayed the events of the night over and over in her head, trying to make sense of what had happened. When she went to the club all she wanted to do was escape the crap in her life for just a few hours. Getting drunk at home had worked for awhile but as her tolerance to alcohol built up the emotions that she always tried desperately to lock out always found a way of creeping in. When Seth offered her the drug, all she could see was a means of escape. The pain that she carried around every day, made worse by what she had just discovered about Derek, had overwhelmed her in that moment and she had made a wrong choice. Meredith would never admit it but she felt more free in those drug induced moments than she had felt in years and it terrified her. In that moment she had never let it enter her mind that she could end up at the hospital where she worked being treated by her colleagues. Suddenly Meredith felt like she was going to vomit. She managed to reach for the bowl beside her bed in time and threw up in it.

Derek Shepherd had finally finished up with some paperwork at the nurses station and was on his way home when he heard the sound of a patient vomiting from inside one of the rooms. Normally he would have called for a nurse and continued on his way but ever since he had met Rose he had been feeling guilty for not noticing and appreciating the work of the nurses. He knocked on the door.

"Hello," he said, opening it slightly. "I'm a doctor." Derek stepped into the room and was stunned to see Meredith lying there in front of him, her face tear streaked, holding a vomit bowl and trembling with tubes connected to her arms. "What happened?" he asked, concerned. Meredith was so shocked to see him that she couldn't reply. Derek picked up her patient chart.

"Don't!" Meredith managed to utter, but it was too late. Derek looked up at her, completely shocked.

"Why…" he started but couldn't continue. "Why would you…" he managed to say. "I need to sit down," he said, grabbing a chair. Meredith waited for him to yell at her but he didn't. Instead he looked up at her with tears in his eyes. "You took it deliberately?" he asked, already knowing the answer. He knew that Meredith was more troubled than a lot of people realised. Meredith nodded, looking away. "You need help Mer," Derek said gently. "I know that you didn't do this because of me. If you had dealt with the other stuff; the family stuff than maybe my revelation wouldn't have…" his voice trailed off as Meredith started to cry. He understood her like no body else did. "I won't see Rose anymore," he added.

"No," Meredith said, still crying, shaking her head. "I want you to want to be with me, Derek, not to do this out of sympathy. I didn't do this for attention, alright? I wasn't supposed to end up here and you weren't supposed to ever know about it. I just needed to block everything out for a while." Derek didn't reply. "It would be so much easier if you were angry at me," she said.

"I'm not angry at you," Derek replied. He stood up and walked over to her bed. He took the sick bowl and placed it on her bedside table. Then he took Meredith in his strong arms and held her close to him. She kept crying as if all of the hurt that had been building up over time, mostly due to her parents, could finally be released. She hated how safe he made her feel. She started to pull away, like she always did when it felt good. Derek sighed.

"I can't keep saving you, Meredith," he said honestly. "I don't know what to do anymore. You need help."

"Please just leave me alone," Meredith begged. Derek looked down at her sadly and sighed. He took the sick bowl and left Meredith alone in the room, realising that she had hit rock bottom.


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3**

The next morning Doctor Richard Webber knocked on Meredith's door. He was surprised to hear her say "come in!" Richard slowly opened the door and to his surprise and relief he saw Meredith sitting up in bed eating a bowl of cereal and watching the morning news broadcast on television.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, checking the observations that the nurses had made on her patient chart.

"More embarrassed than I've ever been in my life but grateful to be alive nonetheless," she replied.

"You seem to be improving very quickly," Richard said, studying her patient chart. He sat on the end of her bed. "Contrary to how I sounded last night I'm very pleased to see that. You scared the hell out of me, Meredith."

"I know," she replied quietly, finishing off the last of the cereal. "I'm sorry."

"I bet you are," he replied. "Now we need to get you back on track before you hit rock bottom."

"If last night wasn't rock bottom I'd hate to see what is," Meredith said, almost jokingly. Richard didn't find it amusing. "I agree," Meredith said after an awkward silence. She handed Richard a piece of paper.

"What's this?" he asked.

"It's a list I made this morning of things I need to change about myself."

"This is very thorough," Richard observed, reading Meredith's frank assessment of what she didn't like about herself. "I'm impressed. There's just one thing," he said. "How do you expect to do all of this by yourself?"

"I'll manage," Meredith said shrugging.

"I've made some arrangements," Richard said. Meredith bit her lip nervously. "I've enrolled you in an alcohol education program for-"

"I don't need-" Meredith interrupted.

"You'll do as I say if you want to keep your job here. Believe me, you're on very thin ice," Richard said sternly, interrupting her. Meredith nodded obediently. "I haven't suspended you from the hospital because you weren't on duty and this was a once off, I hope, but you're to have limited surgeries until I decide you're ready. I've also assigned you to a sort of guardian to monitor your progress and hopefully lead you in the right direction. She's here right now actually." Richard went outside the door for a moment. Meredith overheard him tell somebody that he was ready. Her eyes widened when she saw Sydney Heron follow Richard back into Meredith's room.

"You've gotta be freakin' kidding me," Meredith said to herself. Sydney went over to Meredith and pulled her into a tight bear hug that Meredith couldn't escape. She went with it, uncomfortably.

"Sydney is a fine example of leadership at this hospital; an exemplary role model and there's a lot that you can learn from her," Richard said. "I'm sure that there's a lot you need to discuss so I'll be back to check on you later."

Sydney sat uncomfortably close to Meredith. She stared at Meredith with an over sympathetic expression and didn't say anything. Meredith didn't know where to look.

"How're you holding up there, soldier?" Sydney asked. Meredith was unsure of what kind of answer Sydney was looking for so she handed her the list. Sydney assumed that Meredith had given up on speech and wrote _'well done' _at the bottom of Meredith's list. She smiled and gave Meredith a thumbs up sign. For the first time that day, Meredith had to refrain from laughing. "I hope this list isn't all for a man's benefit," Sydney said. "Because you need to work on yourself." Meredith couldn't believe that Sydney actually understood what she had been thinking about all night.

"That's a realization that I came to last night," Meredith said, staring at the wall. "I've told myself for months that I need to work through my baggage for his benefit when it should be for mine."

"That's right," Sydney said, nodding.

"I had a moment of clarity after a horrible moment with Derek last night. I was pathetic," Meredith revealed. "It was so humiliating. So I decided not going to pursue a relationship or sex with anyone until I get myself together, if I ever get myself together," she added.

"You will," Sydney said, encouragingly. "I have to go and check on some patients but I'm here if you wanna talk," she said. Sydney hugged Meredith again, waved goodbye and left the room. Meredith sat there stunned, unable to believe that she had just had just revealed such thoughts to Sydney Heron of all people. Although she was a bit too tactile for her liking, Meredith found herself respecting Sydney more than she had before.

At the other end of the hospital, Doctor Miranda Bailey gathered her residents together for an announcement that she was not looking forward to making.

"Now before you hear this on the hospital grapevine I thought I should make you aware," she began. "Meredith Grey was bought in here last night."

"Oh my God!" Izzie said.

"She took an accidental overdose of a prohibited drug and collapsed. She's doing well as of this morning and is expected to be released today."

"Oh my God!" Izzie said again. The rest of the residents were silent as the news sank in. Alex had his head rested against the wall with his eyes closed. He had been unable to sleep all night. He had been reliving Meredith convulsing in front of him all night and was exhausted.

"You have to be kidding," Christina finally said, breaking the silence.

"Yang, I don't know why she did it. That's something you'll have to discuss with her," Bailey said. She too had been awake all night and her patience was waning. "All I know is what I saw with my own eyes last night."

"But it's Meredith…" George said in disbelief. "Meredith doesn't… she wouldn't…"

"She did," Alex said, opening his eyes. "She definitely did. I saw every second of it." He stood up and walked away.

"I'm sorry that you have to start your day like this," Bailey said, "but you needed to know. Now, take a few minutes to collect yourselves and begin your rounds. If you want to see Meredith make sure that you check with her nurses first. Don't go marching in there."

When her shaken residents had gone about their work for the day, Bailey went into the surgeon's lounge to find much needed coffee to get her through the day ahead. She found Derek sitting on the couch by himself, staring into space sadly.

"I guess you heard," Bailey said. Derek nodded.

"That's what you came to tell me last night isn't it?" he asked. "And you didn't because you saw me with Rose."

"I figured you and Grey weren't a couple anymore," Bailey said. "And frankly I don't care about your love life. I was just looking for her next of kin."

"I've screwed everything up," Derek said solemnly.

"Excuse me?" Bailey asked, surprised.

"Meredith's in there because of me," Derek said. "I told her it wasn't my fault but it was."

"Now you are one self indulgent son of a –"

"What?" Derek interrupted Bailey, surprised.

"Not everything that happens revolves around you, Doctor Shepherd," Bailey said, putting Derek in his place. "You think that she took drugs because of you? That girl has a list of problems as long as my arm, most of them we don't even know because she keeps everything to herself. If you think that her seeing you canoodling with some nurse after all she's been through is enough on its own to make her go out and do that then you're more self centered and egotistical than I thought." Derek sat there in silence, stunned by Bailey's words. Bailey started making herself a coffee. "What are you doing sitting around here for?" she asked. "Are you gonna sit here and indulge yourself or are you gonna get out there and do your job?" Derek stood up and left the room like a dog with its tail between its legs. "Moron," Bailey said to herself.

Meredith had just started to fall asleep again when she heard people entering her room. She opened her eyes sleepily to see Christina, Izzie and George sneak in.

"Cant you guys ever follow rules?" Meredith said.

"Yeah, like you can talk," Christina replied sarcastically. "You're an idiot, Mer."

"Believe me, I know," Meredith said. "Where's Alex?" she asked, noticing his absence.

"I think he's a bit upset," Izzie said. "He treated you last night."

"Crap," Meredith said. "Look," she said. "I know I owe you guys an explanation but right now I need to explain this to myself."

"Just don't ever do it again… ever," George said.

"That, I can promise," Meredith said. Christina, Izzie and George stood there in uncomfortable silence for a few moments.

"We should get back to…" Izzie started.

"Yeah," Meredith replied. "Have a good day, guys."


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 4**

Meredith had fallen asleep, exhausted from the effects of the drug and from the medications that had been pumped through her tiny body to save her life. She stirred awake when she heard footsteps in the room.

"Who's there?" she asked quietly.

"Sorry doctor," she heard a voice say. Meredith groggily opened her eyes and recognised the man standing in front of her.

"Seth…"

"I was just here visiting Dad," he explained. "I wanted to see how you were doing. You really freaked me out last night. One minute you're dancing and happy and the next you're thrashing around on the floor like some horror movie character." Meredith cringed at the image Seth was painting. "So, what were you running from?" he asked.

"Excuse me?" Meredith asked, not happy that he was in her room.  
"No one takes that shit unless they're trying to escape something. I was worried about Dad and needed to relax so I could do my job. What's your reason?"

_Where do I start? _Meredith thought to herself. There was a knock at her door. Meredith expected it to be a nurse and was surprised to see Derek standing at the door with a bunch of flowers in one hand. He entered the room and looked at Seth inquisitively.

"Mister Williamson," Derek said. "Your father is in the neurology ward. I suggest you find him and leave Doctor Grey in peace."

"Yes Sir," Seth said. "I'm sorry. I got lost. This place is like a maze. Doctor Grey was just helping me with directions." He turned to Meredith. "Thank you. And think about what I said." Derek waited until Seth had left the room and looked at Meredith questioningly.

"He was at his father's room yesterday," he said. "How could he get lost?" Meredith shrugged dismissively, still surprised that Derek had come to visit.

"These are for you," he said holding the flowers out to her.

"Roses," Meredith observed. It took Derek a moment to realise what the problem was. _Roses… Rose._

"Oh crap!" Derek said. "Meredith I-"

"I know it wasn't deliberate," Meredith said. "It's very sweet. Thank you. I'm surprised that you're here at all."

"I'll never understand why you did it, Mer." Meredith looked away uncomfortably.

"I'm not ready to into my emotional crap with you," she said honestly. "I know you mean well but I never asked you to save me. I never asked you to feel sorry for me either." Derek sighed, lost for words.

"What do you want, Meredith?" he asked. "I don't know what to do."

"I want you to give me space," Meredith said. "I know we're meant to be broken up but I don't want any more break up sex, forget that crap I said about not wanting you to date other people. You can date as many roses as you want. I need to focus on me without you for awhile." Derek didn't know what to say.

Later that afternoon Derek turned up uncharacteristically late for a surgery.

"Everything okay?" Rose asked as they scrubbed in together. "I think we should go to dinner tonight and then I can indulge you in one of my world famous massages and-"

"Ready to begin?" Derek cut her off short. He went into the OR, leaving her standing behind.

Four hours later Derek sat in his favourite chair in the surgeon's lounge.

"Long day?" Alex Karev asked from the coffee machine where he was recharging in preparation for another surgery.

"Yeah, you could say that," Derek said.

"Seen Meredith?" Alex asked. Derek nodded.

"Yeah," he answered, taking his surgeon's cap off and fiddling with it in his hands. "It said on her chart that you treated her when she came in." Alex nodded.

"I wish I didn't," he said. "That's one image I'll never get out of my head." He paused for a moment. "Is she okay?"

"Physically she is," Derek said. He looked up at Alex. "Did she say where she got the drug?" Alex shook his head.

"She didn't say anything. She was too out of it."

"What club was she at?" Derek asked. Alex shrugged.

"It'll be in the paramedics' records," he said. "No offence, Doctor Shepherd but her drink wasn't spiked. It was all her doing." Derek didn't want to accept what Alex was saying even though deep down it was true.

"She's told me to stay away," Derek confessed. "Do you want to check on her for me?"

"I can't," Alex said. "Me and her always had this understanding, you know? No matter how messed up we were we could always come through it. Now that she's gone and done this… I can't see her. Not for awhile anyway." Derek nodded, understanding Alex's point of view.

"Where do you think you're going?" Doctor Miranda Bailey asked Meredith as she saw her sitting on the edge of her bed, bags packed.

"I'm thinking that I should get out of here," Meredith replied. Bailey picked up Meredith's patient chart and noted the observations that the nurses had made.

"You're not strong enough to leave yet," Bailey said. "I doubt you can even walk on your own."

"I can't," Meredith replied. "Not very well anyway, which is why I need to go."

"Get back into bed," Bailey ordered. Meredith shook her head.

"I know you think I don't know what's good for me and you're probably right but I know that what I need now is to get away. This is where I work; everyone's gossiping about me, people keep looking through the window on my door."

"We'll transfer you to another hospital," Bailey said.

"I'd be released in a few hours anyway," Meredith said. Bailey sighed.

"I'm gonna do a thorough examination," Bailey said. "And if I decide that you pass you can go home if you have someone to take you home and if you have someone to stay in the house with you." Meredith nodded.

"I'm still not happy about this, Grey," Bailey said, half an hour later as she pushed Meredith through the hospital car park in a wheelchair.

"I said I'd take a taxi," Meredith said.

"No, not about that," Bailey said. "I think you should still be under medical watch."

"I will be," Meredith said as she gingerly got into the passenger seat of Bailey's car. "George and Izzie are home."

"Hmmm," Bailey said. She went around to the driver's side of her car, wishing that she didn't care so much. "Would I be right in assuming that there's no drugs in the house?" she asked as she started the car.

"No!" Meredith said, taken aback. "Of course not. Surely you don't think there is."

"I wouldn't have thought that I'd be treating you for a drug overdose either," Bailey said.

"I make one mistake and everyone's perception of me has changed," Meredith muttered to herself as they drove through the streets of Seattle.

"That's the way the world works," Bailey said. "Your actions speak for themselves. You want people to think good things about you? Give them a reason to do so." Meredith didn't reply. She knew that Bailey was right.


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER 5**

Meredith unlocked the door to her house and stepped in. George and Izzie weren't home like she'd assumed they'd be. Usually she'd be able to hear one of them as soon as she set foot inside. Meredith sighed and looked at the staircase before her which seemed enormous. Her tiny body was rattled from the unexpected ingestion of the drug as well as the medication to counteract its effects. Slowly she started to work her way up the stairs, grimacing in pain with each step.

"Need a hand?" a voice behind her asked. Meredith was startled by the sound of the voice piercing through the silence. She turned around and saw Alex standing at the bottom of the stairs, arms crossed and looking unimpressed.

"I'll be fine," she said in a quiet, embarrassed voice. She didn't remember being treated by him but he evidently did. "Ow," Meredith said, quietly to herself as she climbed another step. Alex shook his head and ascended the steps until he reached Meredith. "I'm fine," she said.

"You're not fine," Alex argued as he scooped Meredith up in his arms and carried her up the stairs, down the hall and into her bedroom. He gently placed her on the bed. "Can I get you anything?" he mumbled, staring at his feet.

"You can look at me," Meredith said quietly. Alex looked up at her, unimpressed.

"I'm sorry," Meredith said. Alex shrugged.

"You don't have to apologize to me," he replied. "It's your life."

"I don't even know why I did it," Meredith said.

"I knew you were messed up, but Jesus, Mer." Alex started to walk out of the room.

"Do you ever feel like you don't deserve to be happy?" Meredith asked. Alex stopped suddenly. He knew that feeling well. He nodded and turned back to Meredith. Normally he wouldn't reveal such a thing but he'd always thought that Meredith and he had an understanding. He nodded.

"Is that why you did it?" he asked.

"I don't know," Meredith said. "I've been thinking all day."

"And?" Alex asked, interested. He walked back over to the bed. Meredith moved over to the other side, making room for Alex. He hesitated for a moment before lying down on the bed. They stared at the ceiling, not looking at each other as they spoke.

"How'd you get the stuff?" Alex asked. "I mean, I know it's around but…"

"A patient's son," Meredith replied. "He's a DJ and invited me to a club opening. So I went and we had a few drinks. Then…"

"What's this guy like?" Alex asked.

"Dangerous," Meredith said. Alex nodded. He had a feeling that was the case. "In an exciting way though. The total opposite of Derek, you know?"

"Yeah," Alex said.

"I'm constantly telling myself that I don't deserve good things and I had this great guy who treated me right, he wouldn't lay a hand on me, he would love me and respect me and treat me how no one ever has. And I couldn't deal with that."

"I know what you mean," Alex said quietly. He remembered how he'd made sure that everyone thought that he was an 'evil spawn,' he deliberately sabotaged things with Izzie because he had started to feel something and he couldn't tell Rebecca/Ava how he really felt about her because it wasn't how he was used to feeling.

"Seth, you know, he was dangerous," Meredith said. "He drinks a lot, he takes drugs, he uses women, and he's messy. He's everything that Derek's not and everything that I should be running from but I keep holding myself back."

"We're not used to being treated right," Alex said. "We always expect to be hurt 'cos that's what we're used to. We think that there's some ulterior motive for every nice action."

"Who hurt you?" Meredith asked, turning her head to look at Alex.

"Who didn't?" Alex replied, making it clear that he didn't want to go into it.

"I have to go to counseling tomorrow," Meredith complained. "The Chief's orders."

"You're lucky you still have a job," Alex said. "If the cops had busted you then you'd be outa there."

"I think I'd rather be in jail than sit in a psychiatrist's office," Meredith groaned. Alex laughed a little.

"I think I agree with you there."

&&&

The next day Meredith found herself nervously waiting in the psychiatrist's office. She had opted to see someone privately instead of the spectacle of making an appearance at the hospital, giving the staff more to gossip about.

"Meredith?" a woman asked, entering the waiting room.

"Yes," Meredith said, standing up.

"Hello," she said with a smile. "I'm Doctor Renee Walter." She extended her hand and Meredith shook it. "Let's get started, shall we?"

"I um… have another appointment in forty minutes," Meredith lied as they went into Doctor Walter's office.

"I understand that an hour long session is intimidating," Doctor Walter said knowingly. "It's alright, we'll cut it short." Meredith sat down, embarrassed. She studied her doctor. She was aged in her thirties, African American, well presented and, judging by the décor in her office, obviously successful. She had a gentle face and wore thick rimmed glasses which seemed to accentuate her intelligence. Doctor Walter took a brief family history and asked some general questions about Meredith's life up to that point. It was a relatively painless task.

"I'd like to try some hypnosis with you," Doctor Walter said when she had gathered the relevant information.

"Why?" Meredith asked. She hadn't expected this.

"You weren't around your parents a lot as a kid, I observed."

"So?" Meredith asked.

"I'd just like to fill in some gaps that you didn't address, that's all. If you'd like to recline your chair and relax we can get started." Meredith gave Doctor Walter a look that indicated that it would be a waste of time.

"Meredith, what I'm doing is speaking to your unconscious. It's not like the movies it's-"

"I know how it's done," Meredith cut her off. "I'm a doctor."

"Very well," Doctor Walter said. "You would also know that you don't have to say anything, you don't even have to listen if you don't want to. All you have to do is sit back and relax. Now do you want to do that or would you prefer to sit here and talk to me?"

"Point taken," Meredith said, leaning back in her chair.

&&&

Half an hour later, their session was over.

"How do you feel?" Doctor Walter asked as Meredith opened her eyes and sat up in the chair.

"The same," Meredith said. "Am I supposed to be feeling different?"

"Not yet," Doctor Walter said, taking notes.

"So what now?" Meredith asked. She was very confused.

"There's nothing from age 3 to age 5 that you can remember?" Doctor Walter asked. "At all?" Meredith shrugged.

"I was little," she said, almost defensively. "Unless some big event happened that would stick in my mind I wouldn't know."

"Most people have some recollection of that time," Doctor Walter explained, gently. "Unless they're blocking something out."

"That's not me. That's crazy," Meredith said. "Sorry… no pun intended."

"That's what the hypnosis is for," Doctor Walter said. "To start tearing away that wall you may or may not have built up years ago. You could be right, maybe nothing happened. Or maybe the hypnosis will tell us something. I've laid the ground work and we're gonna do a little more each session. You're mind is already at work. You may even find yourself remembering little things."

"Yeah, okay," Meredith said skeptically, standing to leave.

That night she would understand what Doctor Walter meant…


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER SIX**

Meredith thought about stopping by the hospital briefly on her way home from the psychiatrist's office but her pride wouldn't let her. It pained her to be away from the place where she spent every day, the place that had become her home and the people who had become her family. Everything was different now, she told herself. Meredith pulled into the lonely driveway of the quiet street and unlocked the door to the empty house. She hated free time. Time away from the hospital reminded her of how little else she really had. Meredith had been left feeling exhausted after her session with Doctor Walter so she decided to take a short nap.

_Meredith was three years old and wondering the halls of the house alone. 'Where are they?' She asked herself. Now she was running frantically around the house, looking in every room. She could hear voices talking. _

Meredith awoke with an inexplicable feeling of dread to the sound of her mobile phone ringing. Her phone told her that Sydney Heron was calling. As helpful as Sydney had been at the hospital, Meredith didn't want to talk to her at that moment so she ignored the call. She was preoccupied with her dream and the sickening feeling that it left in her stomach. Meredith got out of bed and walked through the house, which seemed much smaller than it had in the dream. She retraced her steps, hoping that if it was a memory it would start to make sense but nothing came to her. Giving up, Meredith sat in the lounge room and turned the television on, bored.

&&&

_Meredith was four years old now. She was playing with her dolls in her room when she thought she heard something. It sounded like something knocking on a wall._

'_Mommy?' she called out in a little voice. There was no answer. 'Mommy?' Meredith called out, louder this time. There was still no reply. 'You stay here and be good,' Meredith said to her dolls as she arranged them neatly. Meredith started wandering the halls of the house again. 'Mommy?' Meredith searched in all of the rooms, knowing where her mother was but trying to stall. There was that sound again. _

"I can't believe the lies you would spin to get in on surgeries!" Izzie exclaimed loudly as her, Alex and George arrived home, slamming the door behind them. This awoke Meredith from her second dream of the day. She had that same sickening feeling as before.

"Oh and like you've never stretched the truth to further your career," Alex teased.

"Actually, no, I haven't," Izzie replied. They noticed Meredith sitting up groggily on the couch. "Oh hey, Mer," she said.

"Meredith?" George asked when there was no reply.

"Yeah," Meredith said, finally turning her attention to them.

"Whoa, you look like you've seen a ghost," Alex said.

"Shut up!" Izzie said, hitting him on the arm.

"You look good, Mer," she said, trying to be encouraging. "How did your session go?"

"What?... oh yeah it was alright," Meredith said, standing up.

"We got pizza," George said with a smile, holding up the boxes.

"I'll pass," Meredith said.

"Meredith," George said with a pretend sad face. "We haven't seen you all day. Come talk."

"I'm really not feeling too good," she replied, walking past them and ascending the staircase.

"I knew it," Izzie said when Meredith was safely out of earshot.

"What?" Alex asked.

"She's suicidal."

"Meredith?" George asked, surprised at Izzie's announcement. "Damaged? Yes, morbid? Yes, self destructive? Absolutely. But no way is she suicidal."

"Yeah well a few days ago you we would have said that she wouldn't take drugs either," Izzie insisted.

"I gotta agree with O'Malley," Alex chimed in. "Meredith's got a lot of problems but she aint gonna top herself." Izzie sighed, unconvinced.

&&&

Meredith wandered around upstairs, once again retracing her steps in her dream, hoping for some kind of clarity. She stared down the hallway at the room that used to be her mother's and again felt her stomach clench. Something had happened in that room, but what was it? Meredith slowly walked towards the room, unaware that Izzie was watching her from the top of the staircase. Meredith slowly opened the door and stepped into the room, immediately overcome with nausea. She couldn't remember the last time that she had stood alone in that room.

"Meredith?" Izzie asked softly from behind her. Meredith jumped slightly. "I didn't mean to scare you," Izzie said. "Why are you standing in my room?"

"Sorry," Meredith said, slightly embarrassed at how odd she must have seemed to the others.

"It's okay," Izzie said with a little smile. "Is there something you wanna talk about?" Meredith shook her head. "I'm worried about you, Mer."

"I'm fine," Meredith said.

"You always are," Izzie replied.

&&&

"I'm telling you, the girl's lost it," Izzie said to Alex and George who were unconvinced as they messily ate their pizza, the first thing they'd eaten since breakfast that morning.

"Leave her alone, Iz," Alex said.

"I know you probably think I'm crazy," Meredith said from the doorway of the kitchen. The others turned around guiltily, not realising that she had been standing there.

"Pizza?" George asked. Meredith sat down at the table with them and took a large piece of pizza. The nausea had settled.

"I'm not going to kill myself, Izzie," Meredith said. Izzie looked embarrassed.

'You're so… different," Izzie said. Meredith sighed.

"Yeah," she said. "I am. This doctor made me do hypnosis," she took a bite of the pizza.

"And?" George asked.

"And I'm starting to think that I remember something… but I don't know what," Meredith said. "I keep having these dreams and I wake up with a feeling of dread. It's like I don't want to remember whatever it is." She shrugged her shoulders. "Maybe I am just crazy."

&&&

_Meredith was almost five years old. She was hearing those noises again and wandering around the house. _

'_Mommy?' she asked, frightened. 'Mommy, where are you?' Meredith could feel her blood coursing through her veins. She opened and closed doors, looking everywhere for her mother, or for anyone. She made her way to her mother's room and stood on her toes, reaching the handle and turning it but it was locked. There was that sound again. _

'_Mommy?' Meredith asked in her bravest voice, which didn't sound very brave. Meredith knocked on the door but there was no response. She pressed her ear up against the door and suddenly it opened unexpectedly and Meredith fell through onto the floor. _

"Move over," Izzie said. Meredith snapped open her eyes. It had been another dream. Izzie climbed into the bed beside Meredith and George climbed in on the other side, moving Meredith into the middle.

"What are you doing?" Meredith mumbled, rubbing her eyes.

"We haven't done this for ages," Izzie said. "Remember when we all used to climb into bed together?"

"Before the sex," Meredith reminded them.

"Right," George said uncomfortably.

"I just had another dream," Meredith said sleepily.

"Did you remember anything?" Izzie asked.

"Almost," Meredith replied. "You woke me up."


	7. Chapter 7

Thank you for the reviews. I really do appreciate them. Please keep them coming.

**CHAPTER SEVEN**

Meredith's eyes snapped open when the alarm went off. She had been in such a deep sleep that she had to remember where she was. George and Izzie stirred awake, moaning in protest at the alarm before forcing their exhausted bodies to sit up.

"Are you getting up?" Izzie asked Meredith, yawning. Meredith didn't answer. "Mer?" Meredith sighed and got out of bed, clearly frustrated.

"What's wrong?" George asked her. "Did you remember something? Did you have another dream?"

"No," Meredith said, annoyed. "I slept soundly all night and I didn't remember a thing."

"Maybe tonight then," Izzie said encouragingly.

"Yeah maybe," Meredith replied. "You guys go ahead. I'll meet you at the hospital. I'll be a little bit late."

&&&

"You shouldn't be so hard on yourself, Meredith," Doctor Walter, Meredith's Psychiatrist, said to her at their morning session. "You had three separate flashbacks in one day. That's excellent progress." Meredith didn't look convinced. "You need to let them come naturally," Doctor Walter said. "Don't force it or nothing will happen. What do you remember?"

"I'm a kid, little," Meredith started. "And I have this feeling of dread. I'm looking for my mother. In the last flashback I ended up on the other side of her room, the door opened and I woke up."

"You didn't see what was in the room?" Doctor Walter asked. Meredith shook her head.

"I just wake up feeling sick," Meredith confessed. She sighed, annoyed. "I made this list when I was in hospital of how I can turn my life around and I feel that if I don't address everything then I can't begin to move on."

"It takes time," Doctor Walter said. "Just go about your day, don't think about it too much and it'll come to you." Doctor Walter didn't say it but she was proud that Meredith was talking. "Okay, sit back and we'll try some more hypnosis."

&&&

An hour later, Meredith arrived at Seattle Grace. She braced herself for what she thought would be a baptism of fire; gossiping nurses, curious glances and eventually a confrontation with Derek. She wasn't incorrect in her predictions. Meredith did her best to ignore the stares from Seattle Grace staff and went to the interns' locker room where she overheard her interns gossiping. She stood around the corner out of sight and listened.

"You think you know someone," one of them said. "Didn't we have that overdose last week? From the same drug? What an idiot."

"Maybe she's not a true Grey after all," another one chimed in.

"If Ellis Grey could see her little girl now… ah she'd be so proud!" the third intern said. They all laughed.

"I wonder who she slept with to keep her job!"

"How about you leave Meredith alone!" Meredith heard George stick up for her. "She's been a great teacher, she's helped us and stayed back with us when she didn't have to but she did it because she cared. And this is how you repay her!" George was getting very fired up. Meredith decided to step in.

"Good morning," she said with a fake smile, stepping around the corner.

"How… how long have you been standing there?" one of the interns stammered.

"Long enough," Meredith said, unamused. Her interns, with the exception of George, looked terrified. None of them said a word.

"You obviously don't want me teaching you today so you can learn from someone else," Meredith said. "Bailey wants help in the clinic so two of you can go there, one of you can organise surgical files and one of you can do rectal exams. I don't care who does what but none of you are scrubbing in on any surgeries today." Meredith's interns looked annoyed but didn't dare speak up. "George, you're with me," Meredith added. "Now go!" Meredith's interns rushed out of the locker mumbling their apologies. When they were gone Meredith gave George a little smile.

"They're idiots," George said. "They didn't know what they were talking about."

"No, I'm the idiot," Meredith said. "I don't blame them for gossiping.

"Then why'd you send them on crappy jobs for the day?"

"To teach them not to gossip about anyone," Meredith answered. "Look at how much trouble we got in as interns. You obviously learned your lesson," she said, admiring George's loyalty. "Come ride with me."

&&&

"Where do you want me, Chief?" Meredith asked with pretend enthusiasm when she spotted Richard Webber in the hall.

"No surgeries for you today," Richard said sternly. Meredith looked disappointed.

"Sorry, George," she said glumly.

"Doctor Sloane's about to start a procedure," Richard told George. "Tell him I want you to scrub in as his intern."

"Yes, Sir, thank you," George said gratefully. He gave Meredith a smile and squeezed her hand for support before heading to the OR.

"So what, do I sit in the gallery all day?" Meredith asked.

"You can, but first I want you to help Doctor Shepherd with Mr. Williamson's discharge. He needs a final examination." Meredith looked hesitant. _Seth's father! _She thought to herself. "Is there a problem?" Richard asked sternly.

"No, Chief," Meredith said. She went to the neurological ward and braced herself. Meredith entered Mister Williamson's room and found Seth and Derek talking.

"Doctor Grey," Derek said, surprised to see Meredith back.

"Meredith," Seth said with a smile. "All better now are we?" Meredith looked away uncomfortably. Derek looked at Seth confused, wondering why they were on a first a name basis.

"I've finished Mister Williamson's discharge examination. He's good to go home on what conditions, Doctor Grey?"

"He mustn't drive or work until he has a follow up exam and Doctor Shepherd gives permission to do so. The first exam is in approximately six weeks."

"Correct," Derek said. "I see no reason for you to go. You're a free man, Mister Williamson." Derek and Meredith turned to leave.

"Meredith!" Seth shouted after her. Meredith stopped, thinking that she had almost made it out unscathed. "Can I ask you something in private?"

"Sure," Meredith replied, trying to sound professional. She and Seth went around a corner.

"What are you doing tonight?" Seth asked keenly.

"I dunno," Meredith said, slightly annoyed. "Studying, I guess."

"Come out with me," Seth said. He handed Meredith a flyer. "It's a new club on the outskirts of Seattle. I've got some new stuff to spice up your life. It's gonna be awesome." Meredith couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"I almost died!" She said. "I don't want anything to do with you or your drugs, Seth!"

"You're a wild child, Meredith. Don't fight it." Suddenly Seth was knocked to the floor by a single punch. Meredith gasped and stood back to see Derek clenching his fist and glaring at Seth with pure hatred.


	8. Chapter 8

Sorry about the lack updates. I've been sick and had a bit of writer's block with this fic! Anyway, here's the next installment for you.

**CHAPTER EIGHT**

"What the hell is going on here?" Richard demanded angrily, storming down the hall to where Seth was lying flat on his back. Derek was shaking his hand in pain. "Is there something wrong with my eyes or did just hit a patient's relative?!"

"He deserved it," Derek said, his voice trembling with anger. Seth slowly got to his feet.

"That's debatable," he said. Derek went to punch Seth again but Richard stood between them.

"That's enough! Go and put some ice on that hand and wait for me in my office," Richard ordered. He turned to Meredith. "I want to talk to you as well. Go!"

"What did I do?" Meredith asked defensively.

"Just go!" Richard ordered, feeling like a school principal. Meredith and Derek left. Richard turned to Seth.

"I am so sorry, Mister Williamson," Richard said. "I have no idea what came over him."

"It's alright," Seth said with a smile, putting on a charming act. "Doctors are under a lot of stress. I don't blame them for cracking under the pressure sometimes."

"Yes, well, that's no excuse for Doctor Shepherd's reprehensible behaviour," Richard said. "Please accept my sincerest apologies. It will not happen again."  
"Apology accepted," Seth said, shaking Richard's hand. "Really, there's no hard feelings. Doctor Shepherd saved my father's life."

&&&

"I can't believe you did that!" Meredith snapped at Derek as they walked though the hospital halls to Richard's office. She stopped at a nurses' station and got an icepack which she applied to Derek's hand. "How could you embarrass me like that?"

"It wasn't about embarrassing you. It seems like you're doing a pretty good job of that yourself lately," Derek fired back.

"Stay out of my life!" Meredith shouted. She opened the door to Richard's office and slammed it shut behind her and Derek after they were inside. "I never asked you to be my knight in shining whatever!"

"So I'm supposed to just stand back and accept that that bastard nearly killed you?!" Derek was shouting now, something that he rarely did.

"He didn't force the drugs down my throat!" Meredith yelled, exasperated. "I chose to take them."

"So you're telling me that if you hadn't met Seth, you still would have taken something?"

"I don't know! Stop talking in hypotheticals, Derek! It's none of your business! Let it go!"

"I can't," Derek said, his voice softening. "I could have lost you. God knows how many other vulnerable people he's hurt."

"I am not vulnerable," Meredith said, resentfully.

"If your life's so bad that you need a little something to give you a high, yeah I think that makes you vulnerable!" Derek snapped.

"That's enough!" Richard shouted, stepping into his office. Meredith and Derek took their eyes off each other for a moment and saw that a crowd had gathered outside and had seen their fight.

"It's bad enough that you embarrassed this hospital by your behaviour in the hall but I will not have you putting on an encore for everybody who didn't see the first performance! Sit down!" he ordered. Meredith and Derek did as they were told. "Now what the hell was that all about?" Meredith looked away uncomfortably. Richard glared at Derek.

"The man that I hit was the man who gave Meredith the drug that she overdosed on," Derek said simply. "He charmed her, took her to a club, gave her the VIP treatment, drugged her… hell, he maybe even thought that he could have his way with her-"

"Oh for God's sake!" Meredith interrupted.

"Is this true?" Richard asked Meredith.

"I don't see how it's anyone's business," Meredith said, embarrassed.

"It's my business because you met this man in my hospital."

"Fine," Meredith said. "It's true."

"Go home," Richard said.

"What?" Meredith asked, surprised. "Derek hits the guy and I get sent home?"

"You need to learn boundaries, Meredith," Richard explained. "What you did was unforgivable enough but now I find out that it happened because you overstepped the boundaries of professional interaction with a patient's relative."

"I said I was sorry!" Meredith protested. "I'll grovel for eternity and it still won't be good enough. Maybe I should have just punched the guy!"

"Derek's actions will be dealt with separately. Now go home." Meredith slammed the door to the Chief's office behind her as she left. She didn't care if it made her seem immature. She was pissed off.

&&&

"You can't suspend me from surgeries," Derek started arguing before Richard could get a word in. "I'm indispensable."

"I'm very aware of that," Richard said. "You will make a personal apology to Mister Williamson."

"No way," Derek said. "If I see the guy again I'll hit him even harder-"

"Over the phone," Richard interrupted. "With me supervising. You will also have a session with a friend who owes me a favor." Richard stood up.

"What friend?" Derek asked. Richard didn't reply. He walked out of his office. "What friend?" Derek shouted out after him.

"Be back at my office at twelve."

&&&

Meredith drove home recklessly, speeding and making illegal U turns. She was angry and frustrated. When she got home she ran up the stairs and into the room that she had dreamt about so many times. The room that used to be her mother's but which now belonged to Izzie. Meredith paced around the room, her heart pounding, daring the memories which were hiding in her subconscious to make themselves seen. Nothing came to her. Meredith sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. She stretched her neck. She knew that she could have handled the meeting with Richard better than she did. _Why do I always make a mess of things? _She thought to herself. Meredith laid back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. Her heart rate slowed as she started to relax. Meredith closed her eyes and fell into a light sleep.

_Meredith was little again. Too little to know her exact age. She could smell that horrible, yet familiar, smell. She knew now that it was the smell of bourbon. There was yelling. It was her father's voice. _

'_Daddy?' Meredith whimpered quietly to herself. There was crying now. It was her mother. Meredith's mother was strong. Meredith hadn't heard her cry before. _

'_Mommy?' Meredith called out. She was scared now. She knocked on the door. 'Mommy!'_

"_Don't! Leave her out of this!' Ellis was shouting. Thatcher opened the door with such force that it nearly ripped off its hinges. Meredith had been leaning on the door and when it opened she fell through on to the ground. _

"_You're mother's a whore!" Thatcher screamed angrily. "A selfish, disgusting whore!"_

"_It was one time!" Ellis shouted back. "I said I was sorry!"_

"_Don't lie to me!" Thatcher screamed. "No wonder you're spending so much time at the hospital!" _

"_Daddy!" Meredith looked up helplessly at her father. She didn't recognise him shouting and slurring. Ellis sat up on the bed. There was silence for a moment and then Thatcher suddenly turned and punched Ellis in the face._

"_I bet it isn't even mine! You're getting rid of it!"_

"_Mommy!" Meredith cried out as her mother lay sobbing in front of her. _

"Meredith… Meredith!" Meredith's eyes snapped open. It took her a moment to remember where she was. Izzie's face appeared in her line of vision. "Mer…" Izzie said concerned. Meredith sat up. She realised that she had fallen asleep on Izzie's bed. Izzie looked worried. Meredith wiped her eyes and realised that she had been crying. Her cheeks were stained with tears.

"Did you remember something?" Izzie asked. Meredith nodded. Izzie sat next to Meredith and put her arms around her friend. Meredith looked shell-shocked. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked. Meredith shook her head. She had remembered something but she had a feeling that there was more.

"I just came home to get some books," Izzie explained.

"Do you have to go back?" Meredith asked. Izzie nodded. She started to stand up but was surprised when Meredith grabbed her arm.

"Please…" Meredith said in a little voice. "Please don't leave me alone." Izzie was extremely worried. She knew that Meredith would rather die than show vulnerability.

"Okay, I'll stay," Izzie said. "I'll call in sick or something."

"Thank you," Meredith said, wiping away her tears. "Please don't tell anyone about this."


	9. Chapter 9

Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed so far. Please continue to review. It only takes a few moments. I've even enabled anonymous reviews so you don't even have to long in. Anyway, I hope that you like this installment.

**CHAPTER NINE**

Izzie pulled a tray of fresh muffins out of the oven. She had called the hospital saying that she wasn't feeling well and shouldn't spread her germs to the patients. She was staying home trying to be of some comfort to Meredith who, after asking Izzie to stay with her, hadn't said a word.

"They're ready," Izzie said, trying to hide how concerned she was about Meredith as she spoke. Meredith had been sitting on the couch, staring straight head, lost in thought. "Meredith…" Izzie said again. Meredith suddenly snapped back into reality, feeling as though she had just woken up. She stood up and went into the kitchen and admired the vanilla and chocolate chip muffins that Izzie had made. Izzie's baking always made Meredith feel warm and homely. It was the feeling that most children grew up with but Meredith did not. Izzie handed Meredith a muffin and she picked at it.

"What did you dream about earlier?" Izzie asked. Meredith looked reluctant to talk. "It might make you feel better if you talk about it," Izzie suggested.

"My parents fought a lot when I was little," Meredith said, taking a bite of her muffin.

"So did mine," Izzie said. "My dad left like yours did only I never saw him again. What happened?" _What the hell turned you into a nervous wreck? _She wanted to ask.

"I don't really know," Meredith said quietly. Izzie looked confused. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I thought that therapy was supposed to help."

"Well if you're remembering stuff that you blocked out, you can deal with it and go on to be bright and shiny Meredith." Meredith managed a little smile, much to the relief of Izzie.

&&&

"How's Meredith?" Alex asked when he arrived home that night.

"Yeah, how is she?" George asked, concerned, as he followed Alex into the kitchen.

"She's not herself," Izzie said, worried. "She's just so out of it. I don't know what to say or what to do to make her feel better 'cos she's hardly communicating."

"Well you're here for her, we're all here for her and that's the important thing," George said, taking one of Izzie's muffins from the bowl on the kitchen counter. He gave Izzie a little smile to reassure her.

"Maybe I should talk to her," Alex said. "Mer and I have a kind of understanding."

"That is true," George said. "You're both kind of… messy."

&&&

"Are you still here?" Bailey asked Derek as she walked through the ground floor of Seattle Grace hospital. It was night time and Derek's shift had long finished. Derek was sitting in one of the chairs by himself looking pensive. He checked his watch when Bailey spoke to him.

"Yeah, I guess I am," he said, sounding distant.

"I heard you got in trouble with the Chief," Bailey said. Derek nodded. "You found the guy that gave Meredith the drugs?"

"It was worth it," Derek said. "I'm only sorry that I didn't hit him harder."  
"And do you feel any better for doing it?" Bailey asked, already knowing the answer. Derek shook his head.

"I just feel even angrier," he answered honestly, clenching his fist unconsciously. "And even more…" his voice trailed off.

"Even more what?" Bailey asked.

"Powerless," Derek said. "I feel powerless. I feel like Meredith is hell-bent on destroying herself and the more I try and protect her, the worse it gets."

"You know that she's in therapy?" Bailey asked. Derek nodded. Bailey took a seat next to him. "And you know that she turned this Seth guy down when he asked her to come party again?" Derek nodded again.

"She is trying to get herself together, Derek. But it takes time. She isn't ready to be the wife and mother that you want her to be just yet."

"I love her," Derek said.

"I don't doubt that," Bailey said. "And she loves you too. You can't force her to want you to be her night in shining amour. That has to be her decision." Derek nodded, taking in Bailey's words of wisdom. He respected and feared her as though she was the more experienced surgeon. She knew what she was talking about. "Now are you gonna go home or are you just gonna sit here all night like a lost puppy dog?" She stood up. Derek sighed and stood up as well. "Now get out of here," Bailey said.

"Good night, Miranda," Derek said with a smile.

&&&

Alex knocked softly on Meredith's door. There was no reply. Alex didn't like it when Meredith wasn't okay. Meredith being successful despite all the reasons that she shouldn't be had always given him the feeling that he belonged as a surgeon. If she was as messed up as she was and could still be a great surgeon, than so could he. But Meredith had faltered. Her problems had affected her career and put her life on the line. Alex knocked again and again there was no answer.

"Mer?" asked, concerned. Inside the room, Meredith sat on her bed. She was awake this time and was remembering things. Things that she had been dreaming about.

_Meredith was little. A toddler. She was playing with her dolls in her bedroom. There was a horrible sound. A loud thud like someone had dropped something down the stairs. Meredith dropped her doll and froze as she heard an agonizing wail. For a moment it sounded like the cry of a stranger. Then she realized who it was. _

"_Mommy?" Meredith called out quietly, her voice trembling. There were guttural sobs coming from the living room. "Mommy!" Meredith called louder, hoping that her mother would reply and tell her that everything was okay. She didn't. The crying only increased. Meredith shakily got to her feet and started walking out of her room and into the hall. She walked slowly to the stairs. The first thing that she saw was her father pacing around angrily._

"_You're a slut!" he shouted. "Marrying you was the biggest mistake of my life! I gave you everything and you threw it back in my face!" Meredith stood at the top of the stairwell and saw her mother lying at the bottom, curled up in a ball and sobbing. "I refuse to have that man's child in this house!" her father yelled. _

"_Mommy!" Meredith called out, distressed. Thatcher looked up at her._

"_Go to your room!" he shouted. He had that smell about him again that he always had when he was angry. Bourbon. _

"_Leave Mommy alone!" Meredith called out in her bravest voice._

"_What a great idea!" Thatcher said, almost laughing. He looked down at his wife in disgust and walked away, slamming the front door behind him. Meredith rushed down the stairs._

"_Mommy!" she said, anxiously, shaking her mother. Ellis stirred awake. Meredith realised that there was blood on the floor. It was coming out of her mother. She started crying as her mother looked up at her weakly. _

"_Call an ambulance," she said before closing her eyes. Meredith shook her mother but there was no response._

Alex opened the door. He was surprised to find Meredith sitting on her bed crying.

"Hey," he said protectively, rushing over to her. He sat beside Meredith on the bed. She looked more damaged than he had ever seen her. Alex pulled Meredith close to him and hugged her protectively. "It's okay," he said. "Whatever it is, it's gonna be okay. I promise. No one's gonna hurt you."


	10. Chapter 10

**CHAPTER TEN **

Meredith allowed Alex to hold her. She felt more vulnerable than she had ever felt in her life. These flashbacks were hitting her hard and fast and she didn't know what to do with them. Alex ran his hand soothingly up and down Meredith's back. He rested his chin on top of her head as she leant against his broad chest. He was really concerned for her. He wanted to find whoever was responsible for hurting her and punch them out. Meredith was awake but it was obvious that her mind was elsewhere.

"_Meredith," Ellis said weakly, opening her eyes again. "Call 911. I need you to call 911 just like I taught you."_

"_No!" Meredith sobbed, terrified by the amount of blood surrounding her mother. "I'm not leaving you!"_

"_Meredith, please!" Ellis pleaded. "I need to get to the hospital so they can stop the bleeding. I need you to call 911. Now!" Her voice trailed off as she slipped into unconciousness._

"_Mommy!" Meredith sobbed, shaking her mother to try and wake her up but she wouldn't. Trembling, Meredith ran to the telephone and did what her mother had taught her to do after the last time that Thatcher had been drinking. She picked up the receiver and dialed 911._

"_I need an ambulance," Meredith stammered into the phone. "Mommy's bleeding! She won't wake up! Hurry!" Meredith recited her address just like her mother had taught her and cried as the operator on the other end of the line tried to comfort her. _

_It seemed like an eternity before the ambulance arrived. Meredith dropped the phone and ran to the men who had arrived._

"_She's hemorrhaging," one of the ambulance officers said. "We need to move her now!"_

"_It's Ellis Grey!" the other officer exclaimed, surprised. "Where's your Daddy?" he asked Meredith._

"_He left," Meredith said, frightened. _

"_You can ride in the front of the ambulance with me," the officer said. "Come on." The officers moved Ellis into the ambulance. One officer remained in the back, trying to control her bleeding while Meredith was put in the passenger's seat. The officer radioed ahead to Seattle Grace hospital and told them that they were bringing in Ellis Grey._

&&&

"What? I'm busy," Cristina said irritably, picking up her phone as she sat in the on call room alone.

"Meredith needs you," Izzie said on the other end, not impressed. "I know that you're ignoring her."

"I've just been really busy," Cristina said. "Meredith's fine. She'll talk to me when she wants to."

"She's not fine," Izzie argued. "And I know you're ignoring her because you hate emotional stuff but she's your best friend and she needs you." Cristina sighed. She knew that Izzie was right but she honestly didn't know what to say to Meredith. She didn't know what she was going through or what possessed her to take drugs.

"I'll come and see her," Cristina said with a sigh. "I have to go." She hung up the phone and checked her pager, hoping that an emergency would come up.

&&&

"_What happened?" Richard asked. He had heard that Ellis Grey was being bought in. He climbed into the ambulance and was shocked to see blood everywhere._

"_Probable miscarriage," one of the officers said as he passed the gurney out of the ambulance to the waiting team of doctors and nurses. They rushed Ellis into the ER. Richard took a step back, shocked at what was happening. He saw the other paramedic lift Meredith out of the ambulance._

"_I have to get back on the road. Can I leave her with you?" he asked._

"_Of course," Richard said. He held out his hand and Meredith looked up at him wide eyed. She placed her tiny hand in his. Richard knelt down in front of her._

"_What happened to Mommy?" he asked._

"_She was bleeding," Meredith said. Richard nodded, knowing that Meredith was traumatized by the ideal._

"_Where's daddy?" he asked._

"_I want Mommy," Meredith said. _

"_You can see her soon," Richard promised. "I feel like some strawberry milk. Do you want some strawberry milk?" Meredith nodded. "Come on, sweetheart," Richard said. _

&&&

It was awhile before Meredith spoke.

"I need to see Richard," she said. Alex was surprised. He checked his watch.

"I think he'd be at home now. Anyway, don't worry about work stuff. That'll sort itself out."

"No," Meredith said, stubbornly. "I have to see him." Alex sighed.

"I can call the hospital and see if he's still there," he said. Meredith nodded. Alex pulled his cell phone from his pocket and dialed the Chief's office. Patricia answered the phone and handed it to Richard when he said that it was concerning Meredith Grey.

"Oh good, you're still there," Alex said.

"Yes I am," Richard said, unamused. "I'm sitting here filling out an incident report because one of my attendings was behaving like a thug." Alex decided not to pursue this line of discussion.

"Meredith needs to see you," he said. "It's important."

"Tell her that I stand by my decision, but if she wants to see me anyway she's welcome."

"Thanks, Chief," Alex said, hanging up.

"Come on," he said to Meredith. "I'll drive you."

"Thanks," Meredith said in a small voice.

&&&

Meredith stared out the window as Alex drove to the hospital. He didn't know what to say to her but he knew that sometimes company was enough. Meredith's mind was elsewhere.

"_She's very week," Patricia, Ellis' nurse, said to Richard. "It was a miscarriage. She lost so much blood they had to give her multiple transfusions. The doctor expects her to make a full recovery. Meredith looked up at the adults beside her. She didn't understand what they were saying. She was still holding on tightly to Richard's hand. He made her feel safe. She felt like nothing bad could happen while he was around. _

"_I should warn you, she's pretty beaten up," Patricia added. Richard nodded nervously. He knelt down in front of Meredith._

"_Your Mommy has been sick but she's gonna be okay now. It might take a little while for her to get better though, okay?" Richard asked. Meredith nodded. They went into Ellis' room. Richard stopped sharply and instinctively squeezed Meredith's hand as they saw Ellis. She had bruises on her face, on her arms and down her legs. Everywhere that was visible looked battered. _

"_Patricia," Richard called out. Patricia came back._

"_Yes, Doctor Webber," she said. _

"_Meredith shouldn't have to see her mother like this. Has the social worker found out where Thatcher Grey is?" Patricia looked uncomfortable. _

"_The police arrested him for driving under the influence. Apparently he crashed his car into a pole but wasn't injured." Patricia said. "They're arranging bail now."_


	11. Chapter 11

Here's the next chapter. Just a warning that it's a bit violent and some people might find it disturbing.

Also, I'm co writing another Meredith fic called 'Weight of the World' with gizziefan118. It's under her profile but the link is on my page. You should check it out. I'm really happy with how it's started.

Anyway, please read and review for me. Thank you to all that have reviewed so far. I appreciate it.

**CHAPTER ELEVEN**

It had started to rain. Alex had pulled up at a red light and turned his attention to Meredith who looked to be a million miles away.

"I wish you'd talk to me," he said.

"Yeah, just like you talk to people about things that happened to you as a kid," Meredith replied.

"Okay, point taken," Alex conceded. "Why do you need to see the Chief though?" Meredith didn't answer. Alex studied her, trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

"_Where's my daughter?" Thatcher asked, rushing through the ward where his wife was recovering from surgery._

"_Over here," Richard said from the doorway to Ellis' room. Thatcher stormed over to the room. Meredith hid behind Richard as she saw her father approaching her. "Hey," Richard said gently to Meredith. "It's okay. Don't be scared. It's just your daddy."_

"_I'm here to take my daughter home," Thatcher announced. Richard looked at him judgmentally.  
"Your wife just had a miscarriage and you're off getting a DUI."_

"_How was I supposed to know that she'd fallen down the stairs?" Thatcher asked, irritably. "I'm here now. I want to take my daughter home. She shouldn't be here." Richard again looked at Thatcher judgmentally. "Ellis told me what's been going on between you," Thatcher said with quiet anger. "I know all about your little liaison." Richard didn't know what to say. He certainly hadn't expected that announcement. _

"_Thatcher I-" he started._

"_Don't," Thatcher warned him. "I don't want to hear it. You disgust me" He reached for Meredith and took her hand, pulling her towards him. _

"_Aren't you going to see your wife?" Richard asked him. "She just lost your child." Thatcher almost laughed and shook his head. _

"_Not my child," he scoffed. "Ellis hasn't touched me in months." He started to walk away, pulling Meredith along beside him. Meredith looked back at Richard pleadingly._

"_Wait," Richard called after Thatcher. "You're not driving home are you?" _

"_They impounded my car," Thatcher said angrily. "Now piss off."_

_Meredith whimpered softly as her father led her away from the only man that she trusted._

Alex found a carpark. There was no umbrella in the car so he and Meredith ran through the pouring rain until they reached the hospital.

"Do you want me to come with you?" Alex asked Meredith. He had no idea what she wanted to see the Chief about. Meredith shook her head.

"I need to do this alone," she said. Alex nodded understandingly.

"Take your time," he said. "I'll be here."

"Thanks," Meredith said appreciatively, with a little smile. "You're a good friend."

Meredith headed up to the surgical ward but only found herself confronted with more memories.

"_Get in," Thatcher said angrily, pushing Meredith into the taxi. He gave the driver the address and stared out of the window into the pouring rain. He didn't say a word to Meredith for the whole drive home. _

"Are you sure there's nothing you want me to assist with?" Cristina asked Doctor Erica Hahn who was in the surgeon's lounge.

"I'm going home, Yang. You should too," Erica replied. "Desperation doesn't look good on you." Cristina sighed. "Go!" Erica said. Cristina left the surgeon's lounge annoyed, knowing that she couldn't procrastinate any longer. Cristina was surprised to see Meredith standing in the hall, leaning against the wall.

"What the hell?" she asked herself. "Meredith?" Meredith didn't appear to hear her.

_Thatcher slammed the door shut after he and Meredith entered the house. _

"_What the hell did you tell Richard?" Thatcher demanded angrily. Meredith didn't say anything. She was scared of her father when he was like this. She took a step backwards._

"_Don't you dare walk away from me, young lady!' Thatcher shouted. "Now what did you tell him?" Again Meredith didn't answer him. Thatcher's face was turning red with rage. "I saw the way that bastard looked at me!" he yelled. "You told him that I pushed your mother down the stairs didn't you?" Meredith shook her head. She hadn't said anything to Richard about it. She didn't even want to think about what had happened. _

"_Liar!" Thatcher screamed. He pulled his arm back and slapped little Meredith so hard that it knocked her to the ground. She started to cry. "You're a liar just like your bitch of a mother! God, I can't even look at you! You look just like her! I can't stand it!" Meredith didn't know what to do. Her face hurt. She didn't want to stand up in case her father knocked her back down again. She didn't have to think about that for too long. Thatcher pulled her up by the arm and walked her up the stairs. Meredith was crying now. She couldn't help it. Thatcher opened the door to her bedroom, pushed Meredith inside and closed the door, leaving her alone in the darkness. She wasn't tall enough to reach the light switch or the door handle. Meredith stood alone in the darkness. At first she was relieved to be out of her father's clutches. But she was scared of the dark and soon began to whimper. _

"_Mommy…" she sobbed quietly. "Mommy!" There was no response. Meredith saw a crack of light under the doorway and lay down on the floor, trying to find comfort in the tiny amount of light. She could smell that drink again. Bourbon. Thatcher was drowning his sorrows. Soon he started to sob uncontrollably from down the hall._

"_How could you do this to me?" Thatcher shouted out in his drunken stupor. He was shouting at his wife who wasn't there. "All I did was love you!"_

Meredith felt hands on her shoulders. She jumped a little as she snapped back into reality. She realized that Cristina was standing in front of her. She didn't even know how long she had been there.

"Hey," Cristina said, concerned. "What the hell are you doing here?" she noticed that Meredith had tears in her eyes. Meredith looked at her best friend who was worried about her but didn't know what to do.

"I just need to see the Chief," Meredith stammered.

"Okay," Cristina said, not knowing why. "Whatever you need to do. Do you want me to wait?" Meredith shook her head.

"Alex is here," she said.

"Okay," Cristina said. "I'll wait for you at home." Meredith nodded. Cristina studied her best friend, utterly confused. For a moment she looked as though she was going to hug Meredith but at the last minute she refrained.

"Bye," Critsina said.

"Yeah, bye," Meredith replied.

Meredith spotted the Chief in his office and walked over to the door, her legs shaking the whole time. She knocked on the door. Richard looked up and nodded for her to come in. Richard was about to remind Meredith that his decision on her punishment had not changed but the look on Meredith's face told him that she was not meeting with him about work.

"Take a seat," he said. Meredith did as she was told. Richard didn't say anything. He just watched Meredith, waiting for her to talk.

"The shrink that you're making me see…" Meredith started.

"Yes," Richard said.

"I've been remembering some things," Meredith stammered. "Things that I'd blocked out… things that I think I've been unknowingly suppressing for years."


	12. Chapter 12

This is another pretty emotional chapter.

Thank you to the reviewers. Please continue. 

**CHAPTER TWELVE**

Meredith bit her nails nervously. She looked at her feet. Richard sat at the desk opposite her, waiting patiently for her to speak. He knew not to rush her. Meredith cleared her throat nervously and continued. 

"Do you remember when my mother miscarried?" she asked. "When she fell down the stairs?" Richard nodded, sadly. This hadn't been the conversation that he'd been expecting. "Thatcher pushed her," Meredith said in a little voice. She looked Richard in the eye. "She never told you that did she?" Richard looked as though he'd just had the breath knocked out of him. He shook his head.

"He used to yell at her," Meredith said. "Usually after he'd been drinking… Bourbon was his drink of choice at the time… I used to hear him yelling and hear her crying. For a while I didn't know what was going on… how could I? I was three when it started, I think." Richard felt his heart leap in his chest. He knew the significance of that year. "He started slapping her around. That was the year that you and her…" Meredith's voice trailed off. "Wasn't it?" Richard nodded. There was no way that he could lie to Meredith. He felt a wave of guilt wash over him. 

"The night that your mother was bought in…" Richard stammered. "She told me that she'd tripped over one of your toys and had fallen down the stairs. She said that Thatcher wasn't even home."

"He pushed her," Meredith said. "He called her a slut and said that he never should have married her. She'd told him about you and he was convinced that it wasn't his… I never remembered any of this until the past few days."

"He just left her there after he pushed her down the stairs?" Richard asked in disbelief, wondering how any man could do that. Meredith nodded. 

"She was bleeding and she kept slipping in and out of consciousness. There was so much blood. I called 911." Richard knew what happened next. He could remember it as though it were yesterday. 

"I sent you home with him," Richard said in horror. Meredith's eyes filled with tears. "He didn't seem drunk…"

"He wasn't drunk," Meredith said. "He was angry. Furious. He thought I'd told you what had happened. I kept telling him that I didn't but he didn't believe me." Richard leaned forward, his heart pounding in his chest. 

"Did he hurt you?" he asked. Meredith nodded as a tear streamed down her cheek. She wiped it away.

"He hit me," she said in a shaky voice. "Knocked me to the floor. He said I reminded him of my mother and that he couldn't even look at me. Then he dragged me up the stairs and locked me in my room in the dark alone all night." Richard felt angry tears burning behind his eyes. "He started drinking again and he was crying. I was calling out for my mother and eventually I was so exhausted I must have fallen asleep on the floor."

"Meredith…" Richard said in a trembling voice. "I'm so sorry. I never would have let you go with him if I'd known."

"I didn't want you to let me go," Meredith confessed. "I don't have any good memories of him. Only of you." She took a deep breath.

"What I wanted to see you about…" Meredith started. "Did you know that he was hitting her?"

"No, Richard said straight away, shaking his head. "She never said a word about it."

"But didn't you see the bruises?" Meredith asked. "I remember them. Especially on her stomach. If you were… intimate… with her, didn't you see them?" Richard looked embarrassed and ashamed. He stared at the wall.

"She always wanted the lights out," he said quietly, almost to himself. "Now I know why." He turned his attention back to Meredith. "I don't understand why she didn't leave sooner," he said. "The Ellis Grey that I knew was a force of nature not to be messed with. She was fierce."

"As a doctor," Meredith said. "Which is the side that everybody saw… even you. She wasn't a force of nature at home. She was submissive and passive and…" Meredith felt herself chocking on tears. "I don't blame you for not knowing but she stayed with him for another year and I don't know why. I can't remember why!" Richard stood up and went around to where Meredith was. He sat on the arm of her chair and pulled her towards him, cradling her in his arms as she cried.

"I'm so sorry," he said over and over again. "I could have protected you. I could have taken you away from that." Meredith took some deep breaths, struggling to control herself. She pulled away from Richard and looked into his eyes.

"It's not your fault," she said. "I don't blame you and I don't want you to blame yourself. These memories have just come flooding back and I needed to make sure that you didn't know what was really going on the whole time."

"I didn't," Richard said honestly. "But I can't say that it makes me feel any better about the situation." 

"Me neither," Meredith said. Richard noticed how tired she looked.

"Come on," he said gently. "I'll drive you home."

"It's okay," Meredith said. "Alex is here."

"Karev?" Richard asked surprised. Meredith nodded and stood up.

"Thank you," she said softly. She gave Richard a hug, the way a daughter might hug her father, and left his office.

&&&

Richard drove around the streets of Seattle. He was glad that Meredith had remembered what had happened and hoped that it would curb her self destructive behaviour but he could feel rage within him. He cursed himself for not seeing the signs. _What signs? _He asked himself. Ellis was overbearing at the best of times. Not the typical battered woman. Meredith was a timid little thing. The product, he had assumed, of her mother's domineering ways. Richard had always seen Thatcher as a quiet little man who had nothing in common with his wife. They seemed so incompatible. Richard found himself thinking of the child that Ellis had been carrying. He'd never seriously believed that it had been his but what if it had? He could have been a father and could have given Ellis and little Meredith a better life. Richard pulled up outside the front of the house. He checked the piece of paper where he had written the address down. He was at the right house. Slowly he got out of the car and walked to the front door. He rang the doorbell, still not knowing what he was going to say when it was answered. After about a minute Thatcher Grey opened the door and looked visibly shocked to see Richard standing there with pure hatred in his eyes.

"You son of a bitch," Richard said, furious. "You pathetic excuse for a man." Without even having to think about it, Richard automatically punched Thatcher in the face. He shook his fist in pain as Thatcher staggered back with a bloodied nose. Then he turned and walked back to his car before driving away into the night.

&&&

Meredith hadn't said anything on the way home but Alex was glad that he'd driven her. He didn't want her to be alone. When they arrived home he saw Cristina's car in the driveway. 

"Will you be alright if I head out for a bit?" he asked. Meredith nodded. 

"Thank you," she said gratefully, getting out of the car.

"Any time," Alex said. He watched Meredith go inside and drove to Joe's bar to drown his own sorrows which had crept up on him that night.

For the whole drive home Meredith had been thinking of nothing but her own drunken exploits. She couldn't get the sickening thought out of her head that she was like her father, relying on alcohol to get through hard times and hurting everybody around her. It made her feel ill. Meredith went into the kitchen and opened a cabinet. There were three large bottles of tequila sitting there waiting for the next time that she needed to self medicate. Meredith undid the lid of the first bottle and poured it down the sick. She felt herself beginning to cry again. She opened the second bottle and poured it down the sink. Suddenly she saw a hand take the third bottle and twist the lid off it. She looked over and saw Cristina tip the tequila down the sink. When all of the tequila was gone, Cristina rested her head against Meredith's shoulder, not needing to say anything to let her person know that she was there for her.


	13. Chapter 13

Thank you again to the wonderful reviewers. You really do make my day. I hope that you like this update. Please read and review. 

**CHAPTER THIRTEEN**

Cristina awoke in Meredith's bed the next day, her senses startled by unfamiliarity. The alarm clock hadn't gone off yet and something was cooking. Meredith was no where to be seen. 

Cristina got out of bed and went downstairs into the kitchen to find George and Izzie sitting at the kitchen counter while Meredith dressed in sweat pants and her favourite Dartmouth shirt was cooking French toast.

"Okay…" Cristina said, unsure. "Meredith's cooking breakfast."

"Yes she is," George said. "And we're being supportive."

"Yes we are," Izzie said, taking a sip of the coffee that Meredith had made and almost spitting it back into the cup.

"Coffee, Cristina?" Meredith asked. Izzie shook her head at Cristina, indicating that the coffee was bad.

"I'm good," Cristina said.

"But you love coffee," Meredith said. Cristina sighed. 

"You know what? I will have some coffee," she said. "Because I'm being supportive." Meredith poured Cristina a cup of coffee.

"French toast?" she asked.

"Sure," Cristina said. "Why not?" She was trying not to act on how weird she thought the whole situation was. "So, Mer…" Cristina said as the sat at the table. "What's with the exercise gear? Are you thinking about going running?"

"She's already been running," Izzie said.

"For an hour," George added.

"What!" Cristina exclaimed, surprised. "I'm sorry, but Meredith, we don't run. YOU don't run. It's not even six AM and you're taking bright and shiny to a whole new level." George and Izzie glared at Cristina. "But… I'm being supportive," Cristina added. "So if you want to go running then good for you."

"What's cooking?" Alex asked as he joined them in the kitchen.

"Meredith's cooking French toast," Cristina replied.

"I… uh… gotta go into the hospital early," Alex said, making a hasty exit. 

&&&

"Morning, Chief," Derek said as he went into Richard's office. Richard tried to hide the ice pack which was covering his badly bruised hand which he had punched Thatcher with the night before. "What the hell happened?" Derek asked.

"Long story," Richard said. 

"Let me see it," Derek said, holding his hand out. Richard looked reluctant. "Give me your hand," Derek said defiantly. "I want to make sure that you haven't done any permanent damage." Richard reluctantly showed Derek his hand. 

"You punched somebody!" Derek said straight away. Richard didn't reply. "Who did you punch?" Richard didn't reply. Derek put his hands on his hips. "Put that ice back on it," he ordered. "Who did you punch?" he asked again. 

"It doesn't matter," Richard replied.

"Yes it does," Derek said annoyed. He held out his own fist which was showed signs of where he had hit Seth the day before. "You're supposed to lead by example. You dragged me in here yesterday and put restrictions on my job because I hit someone and then you turned around and did the same thing."

"You hit a patient's relative," Richard said. "There's no excuse for that."

"And who did you hit?" Derek asked. Richard stood his ground. 

"You have an early surgery," he said. "You shouldn't keep the family waiting."

&&&

Meredith, Cristina, George and Izzie walked into the hospital together

"I'm off to the gallery," Meredith said, knowing that she wasn't allowed to interact with patients. Meredith didn't bother to change into her scrubs because she knew that she wouldn't be going anywhere near the inside of an OR. She checked the surgical board and saw that Derek was performing a craniotomy. For a moment she thought of finding paperwork to do instead but the surgery was too appealing. Meredith snuck into the gallery where Bailey and a few interns were already seated.

"Are you okay?" Bailey asked Meredith.

"I'm fine," Meredith answered. Her usual answer to such probing questions. She watched as the nurses prepared for the surgery. Meredith noticed that one of them was Rose. She didn't need to see her. Not today. 

Derek scrubbed in and entered the OR. Rose immediately turned her attention to him but Derek didn't even acknowledge her. He was not so secretly wishing that she wasn't on his surgery. The patient on the operating table was anesthetized and Derek stood over him, ready to begin. He looked up at the gallery and immediately spotted Meredith sitting in the corner, a few seats down from Bailey. He hasn't expected to see her there. She was writing in her notebook.

Meredith looked up and straight into Derek's eyes. They had the effect that they always had on her, as much as she wished that they didn't. Meredith looked back down at her notebook, waiting for the feeling to pass.

&&&

Alex was walking back from the cafeteria when he saw a man stumble through the doors of the emergency ward.

"Whoa," he said, rushing over to the man. "That's a lot of blood."

"It's been bleeding all night," the man said. "I didn't want to come here but I feel very weak."

"Yeah well you should have come here earlier," Alex said, taking a look at the man's injury. "It looks like you've broken your nose and lost a hell of a lot of blood. What happened to you?"

"It doesn't matter," the man said. He turned to leave. "I can't be here," he said. "Not here. I'll go somewhere else."

"Whoa," Alex said, grabbing the man by the shoulders. "You're not going anywhere. The nearest hospital is an hour away in this traffic."

"That's why I came here," the man said. He was making no sense to Alex.

"Well let us treat you then," Alex said. "Come with me." Alex went through the triage doors and took the reluctant man straight into the emergency room.

"Over here," a nurse called out, spotting the massive amount of blood which had obscured the man's face and stained his clothes. Alex led the man over to the bed.

"What's your name?" the nurse asked as Alex put gloves on and began examining the man's face.

"Thatcher," he answered. "Thatcher Grey." 

&&&

Meredith sat in the gallery watching Derek's delicate surgery. For the most part she had been able to observe from a purely medical perspective but occasionally she felt her eyes wondering to Derek's hands, his shoulders, his neck.

"Stop it," she said quietly to herself. Bailey looked at her oddly.

"Excuse me," Meredith said, standing up and leaving the gallery. The next time that Derek looked up, she wasn't there. 


	14. Chapter 14

**CHAPTER FOURTEEN**

When Derek's surgery was over, he went into the surgeon's lounge, hoping to find Meredith there. When he didn't see her, he stretched his neck and sat down on the couch, giving his body a rest from hours of standing still in the same position. 

"You look like crap," Bailey said as she entered the surgeon's lounge and went over to the coffee machine.

"Thanks," Derek said sarcastically, yawning. "I didn't get much sleep last night." Bailey didn't say anything. She didn't want to go there again. Derek did though. "Have you seen Meredith?" he asked.

"Do you ever learn?" Bailey asked. 

"I just want to see her," Derek said. "I'm not gonna be pushy or-"

"With all due respect, I really don't have time for this, Doctor Shepherd," Bailey said, taking her coffee and leaving.

&&&

After she had left the gallery, Meredith had been tracked down by Sydney for a peer counseling session. As much as Meredith hated every second of it, she forced herself to participate. Then she had gone to her appointment with her psychiatrist where she had been forced to talk in detail about the disturbing flashbacks that she had been experiencing. Now that Meredith was back at the hospital, emotionally drained, all she wanted to do was find a quiet corner and distract herself with something surgical. 

"Doctor Grey." Meredith heard Callie's voice from down the hall. Meredith stopped as Callie approached her. "Are you free?"

"I… uh…" Meredith stammered, not knowing if Callie knew that she was on probation, although she assumed that she did since word had spread like wildfire. "Well are you?" Callie asked. "I'm about to snap some guy's nose back into alignment in the pit. Wanna come?"

"I'm not allowed to interact with patients at the moment," Meredith said, truthfully. "Chief's orders."

"I'm not gonna go running to the Chief," Callie said, starting to walk away. "Last chance." Meredith shook her head, even though she would have loved to get in on a consult. It was time for her to start doing the right thing, she had decided. 

"Thanks anyway," Meredith said to Callie. Meredith kept walking until she reached the surgical library. She pulled a book off of the shelf and sat down at a desk with her notes from Derek's craniotomy. Meredith welcomed the distraction and became engrossed in her study. 

Twenty minutes later, Meredith didn't even hear the footsteps approaching her. It wasn't until Richard leaned over her shoulder and spoke that she realized that someone was there. 

"You missed a step," Richard said, observing her notes.

Meredith jumped, startled by his voice. 

"It's just me," Richard said, resting his hands on her shoulders. "You're jumpy today."

"Don't sneak up on me like that," Meredith said, embarrassed.

"I'm sorry," Richard said, concerned. "How are you doing?"

"I don't even know how to answer that," Meredith said honestly, yet cryptically. She sounded emotional and irritated. 

"Have you had lunch?" Richard asked in a fatherly tone. Meredith shook her head.

"Come and have lunch with me in the cafeteria," Richard said. 

"I have to study," Meredith said, turning back to her work. She felt Richard watching her as she tried to concentrate. "Fine," she sighed, packing up her things, secretly happy that he had come looking for her.

"Can we just stop by the ER?" Richard asked as they walked through the hospital. "I just have to sign off on some paperwork." Meredith nodded. She wasn't in any hurry. 

When they reached the ER, Meredith stood at the nurses' station and saw Callie talking to Alex outside a patient's cubicle. Callie pulled back the curtain and Meredith froze. It was only for a second and he hadn't seen her but she felt four years old again. Her father was only metres away. Suddenly Meredith heard her father yell out in pain as Callie and Alex realigned his nose. She felt as though a bolt of lightning had gone through her. 

"Okay, ready to go?" Richard asked, returning to the nurses' station, but Meredith was no where to be seen. 

&&&

_Ellis had been home for a couple of weeks now and things had slowly gone back to what little Meredith had come to know as 'normal.' At first Thatcher had cried and begged Ellis to forgive him for what he'd done. He hadn't had anything to drink for a few days and Meredith wondered if he had changed. She soon realized that he hadn't. Soon enough she could smell bourbon again and would hide under her bed, terrified, as her mother cried out. One night when Thatcher has driven away to find more alcohol, Meredith crept through the hall and stood outside of her mother's room. Her mother was on the phone to the police._

"_What do you mean that you can't guarantee my safety?" she asked. "No… well that's not good enough… you don't know what my husband's like. He's a jealous man. He will track us down." She listened for a while longer before slamming the phone down in frustration. Ellis suddenly spotted Meredith standing in the doorway._

"_I'm not setting a very good example for you," she said to her frightened daughter. "I don't want to stay here with daddy."_

"_Me neither," Meredith said._

"_But, I want him to be the one to leave," Ellis explained, knowing that her little girl wouldn't understand. She was trying to justify her decision to herself by saying it out loud. "If daddy leaves, he'll leave us alone because he has control. If we leave, it's only a matter of time before he finds us." Meredith had started to cry. She didn't understand why they couldn't just find somewhere else to live and why Richard couldn't be her daddy._

"_Please don't cry," Ellis begged. "Meredith, I can't stand it when you cry." Meredith ran back into her bedroom and hid under the bed again, knowing that it was only a matter of time before her father came back. Now she was angry at both of her parents._

Meredith ran out of the hospital. All she knew was that she didn't feel safe anywhere anymore. Her house reminded her of all the pain associated with living there as her child and now her father and her memories had turned up at her hospital. Meredith went to her car, opened the door and got in. She broke down crying and hit her head against the steering wheel in sheer frustration. She hardly ever allowed herself to cry like that but she couldn't control it. The door to the car opened and someone reached out for her. All Meredith could see was Thatcher and she lashed out, hitting the person as hard as she could across the chest. Then Meredith realized that it was Derek who had seen her in the car and rushed over.

Derek had no idea what had upset Meredith so much, almost to the point of hysteria. He wrapped his arms around her tiny frame in the hope that it would settle her. 

"It's okay, you're okay," he whispered repeatedly. Meredith leant against Derek's chest and her breathing started to slow down. Her sobs turned into soft whimpers as she listened to his heartbeat. Meredith hugged Derek and felt safer than she had in a long time. 


	15. Chapter 15

Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed

Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed. I know I've already said it but I really do appreciate every piece of feedback. Please continue to review. I hope that you enjoy this update x

**CHAPTER FIFTEEN**

When Meredith had calmed a little, Derek took her by the hand and helped her out of the car.

"Come with me," he said softly, leading her around to the side of the hospital where they could have some privacy. Derek and Meredith sat down on the concrete, leaning against the wall of the hospital. Derek didn't say anything. He didn't know what to say and he was worried that if he did say something, it would be the wrong thing or Meredith would pull away.

"My father used to hit my mother and I," Meredith finally said, staring straight ahead. "The worst of it wasn't physical abuse though. It was emotional… he used to say things. The most horrible, degrading things. I felt worthless… I feel worthless." Derek listened to Meredith open up, concerned. "It scared me so much that I blocked it out as I got older… but I think part of me always knew that something happened… all the bars, all the boys… the other stuff. I think I was punishing myself and giving myself what I thought I deserved. It left me feeling like nothing so I became self destructive."

"I'm sorry," Derek said genuinely. He had always known that Meredith had issues with her father but he assumed that his abandonment had been the worst of it. He had never heard her open up like this before.

"The therapy that they're making me do…" Meredith continued. "I've been doing hypnosis and I've started remembering everything. I don't like remembering it but I have to deal with it whether I want to or not." Meredith finally looked into Derek's deep eyes. It had taken courage for her to tell him this, to make herself vulnerable to him. It was part of the healing process. Derek gently ran his fingers through her hair.

"I wish you didn't have to go through that," he said honestly.

"Me too," Meredith confessed. "He's here."

"Who?" Derek asked. "Thatcher?" Meredith nodded.

"That's why I freaked out. He's in the ER. I can't go back in there while he's there… I just can't."

"You don't have to," Derek said reassuringly. "Let me take you home." Meredith looked reluctant for a moment but finally nodded.

"Okay," she said softly.

"Doctor Karev," Richard said, looking confused as he walked around the ER. "Have you seen Meredith?"

"Nope," Alex said, heading to the nurses station. "But I'd warn her to stay away. Her old man's here. She's going through enough as it is."

"Thatcher's here?" Richard asked, surprised, yet angry. "Why?"

"Broken nose," Alex answered. "Someone beat the shit out of him." Richard looked angry. He unconsciously clenched his fist, which Alex noticed was bruised.

"You didn't," he said, realizing. Richard looked away. "Seriously? Why?"

"That's none of your business," Richard said. "And I don't want you to breathe a word of this to anyone." Alex nodded, understanding. He knew that Thatcher must have done something bad for Richard to lose his temper like that. Alex had known violent men in his life, but had never counted Richard as one of them. Richard started to walk toward the patient cubicle where he knew Thatcher was. Alex stepped in front of him.

"You don't wanna do that," Alex said. "You don't wanna make a scene. You'll regret it when you cool off."

"I need to go for a walk," Richard said with quiet anger.

"Good idea," Alex agreed.

Meredith didn't say much as Derek drove her home. She had already said more to him than she'd intended to, and yet surprisingly she didn't regret it. Derek looked over at her every so often, wondering what he could say to comfort her but never coming up with anything. When they reached Meredith's house, he finally spoke up.

"Do you want me to come in?" he asked. Meredith locked eyes with him. Her eyes were a dead giveaway that she wanted him close to her, yet she remained guarded.

"You should get back to work," she said.

"I don't care about work right now," Derek said, honestly.

"You have patients," Meredith said. "They're relying on you. I'll be fine." Derek looked unconvinced.

"Okay," he said quietly.

"Thank you," Meredith said, appreciatively.

"Any time," Derek replied. Meredith got out of the car and headed towards the house, not looking back, as much as she wanted to. Although she had tried to will them away, she felt tears burning behind her eyes again. _Why can't I just let him in? _She asked herself. Derek watched her and jumped out of the car.

"Meredith," he called after her. But Meredith had closed the door. He wasn't sure whether she had heard him or not.

"_Meredith!" Ellis whispered loudly, shaking her daughter by the shoulders to wake her. "Meredith! Get up. You have to get up!" Meredith sleepily opened her eyes, alarmed by the urgency in her mother's voice. "We have to go."_

"_Where?" Meredith asked, confused._

"_We're leaving," Ellis said. Approximately one year had passed since Ellis had ended up in hospital and the taunts and physical abuse against them both had not lessoned. "Your father's gone to get more drink. We have to leave now." Meredith sat up and looked at her dolls lined up against the wall; her best friends and only companions at night. Ellis could see what she was thinking. "There's no time, Meredith," she said urgently, picking her daughter up and carrying her out of the bedroom. Meredith cried out and reached out for the dolls. Ellis sighed and quickly turned back into the room, picking up the first doll that she saw and rushing outside with Meredith. They had no personal belongings packed. There was no time. Ellis strapped Meredith into the back seat of her car and got into the driver's seat. _

"_I need you to be brave," Ellis said, turning around to face Meredith. In the reflection of the moonlight, Meredith could see a fresh bruise on her mother's cheek. She nodded fearfully. Ellis started the car and pulled out of the driveway. She sped through the streets of Seattle, headed for the freeway. As she passed Richard's house, tears streamed down her cheeks. _

"_Where are we going, Mommy?" Meredith asked._

"_A place called Boston," Ellis said through tears. "We're going to be driving for a long time so I need you to be patient."_

"_I want Richard," Meredith said, clutching her doll as they drove into the unknown._

"_I know," Ellis said, her voice cracking with emotion. "Me too."_

Later that afternoon, Alex arrived home from the hospital. Ever since he had found about Richard hitting Thatcher, he had been unable to get it out of his head. He knew that it had something to do with Meredith's meeting with Richard the night before. The more he thought about Meredith and her behaviour, the more he had come to realize that he and Meredith were more alike than not.

"Come in," Meredith said softly as she heard knocking on her bedroom door.

"Hey," Alex said. He went over to Meredith and sat on the edge of her bed. She was staring at a doll positioned on the edge of the bed that she had found in one of the closets. It was the same doll that had traveled with her that night and which had kept her company for so long.

"Are you okay?" Meredith asked Alex, noticing that he looked unusually angry and emotional.

"You get told you're a worthless piece of shit enough times that you start to believe it," he said with more emotion than both he and Meredith had expected. "You're not worthless. You're not nothing and you don't deserve to have bad things happen to you. You're worth so much more than you know." Meredith was surprised at what he had said, but it hit home.

"What happened to you?" she asked Alex.

"The same things that happened to you," Alex replied knowingly.


	16. Chapter 16

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

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**CHAPTER SIXTEEN**

Alex looked away uncomfortably. He was shocked by what he had just said to Meredith. He had never spoken out loud about what he had been through as a child, in detail anyway. Meredith didn't say anything. She was just as surprised as Alex was by what he'd said. Alex took a deep breath. It felt liberating to talk about it.

"My dad used to beat the shit out of me," he said, looking down as he spoke in a quiet voice. He shrugged. "The bruises heal. It's what he used to say that sticks with me." Meredith nodded, able to relate.

"I grew up thinking I was a worthless piece of shit," he continued. "The things he used to say to me and the way he used to look at me … I look like my mother. That was the problem."

"Me too," Meredith said in a little voice.

"I had so much anger," Alex said. "I'd get into fights, drink too much, abuse myself. It was like a way of re enforcing everything he said…Proving him right."

"I can relate to that," Meredith said, knowing that Alex knew her self destructive streak all too well.

"Anyway," Alex said dismissively with a sigh. "I only told you that because I want you to know that you're not alone." Meredith smiled a little, gratefully. "Just don't tell anyone that we had this conversation."

"I won't," Meredith replied softly. Alex smiled back. He leaned over and playfully messed up Meredith's hair, the way that a brother would tease his little sister.

"See ya later," he said, leaving Meredith's room, feeling as though a weight had been lifted off his chest.

Xxx

Richard drove around the streets of Seattle. He was still feeling rattled from the night before and seeing Thatcher Grey in his ER had reignited his hatred for the man. His jaw was clenched in anger as he drove to the one place that he had vowed to stay away from forever: a certain bar on the outskirts of Seattle that was home to many memories that he'd rather forget. Richard locked his car and looked around nervously to make sure that nobody that he recognized was watching. He went into the bar and took a seat, nervously looking around. He was safe. He didn't know anybody. He was miles away from the hospital.

"What'll it be?" the bartender, a young man in his twenties asked. Richard closed his eyes for a moment, thinking of how long he had been sober and how one drink would set him back. "Well?" the bartender asked, impatiently.

"Scotch on the rocks," Richard uttered. "Make it a double."

"Coming right up," the bartender said, starting to prepare the drink. In no time it was ready and sitting on the bar in front of him. Richard picked it up and examined it closely before raising it to his mouth. At the last moment he slammed the drink back down on the counter, having almost given into temptation. Richard stood up and exited the bar in a hurry, realizing just how close he had come to relapsing and cursing himself for almost letting the stress and the temptation get the better of him. With a trembling hand he pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed his sponsor's number.

Xxx

_Meredith was almost five years old and her new life in Boston was anything but carefree. It was dictated by a series of rules put in place for her own protection; no answering the phone, no opening the curtains or looking out of the window, no playing outside, no socialising. Ellis Grey lived with the fear daily that her husband would find them and would not rest until her and Meredith were safe, no matter what the cost. Meredith found solace in her dolls and the games that she would play by herself, often in the company of a bored babysitter whilst her mother completed her fellowship at the local hospital. It was anything but a normal childhood._

Meredith wandered into the kitchen where Izzie was cooking dinner.

"Hey," Izzie said with a little smile, noticing that Meredith looked pale. "Flashbacks?" she asked sympathetically. Meredith nodded, indicating that she didn't want to talk about it.

"Have you seen Alex?" Meredith asked.

"He went to Joe's," Izzie said. Meredith looked concerned. "What's wrong?" Izzie asked.

"It's nothing," Meredith replied, hoping that Alex wasn't drowning his sorrows the way that she would have done not long ago. "What are you cooking?"

"A roast," Izzie said, checking on its progress in the oven. "I figured you could use a nice home cooked meal… I heard that your dad was in today." Meredith nodded. "Did you see him?"

"Only for a moment," Meredith answered uncomfortably. "I didn't talk to him."

"I saw his records. He's gonna be fine," Izzie said, chattering away.

"Do you think I could invite someone over for dinner?" Meredith asked, changing the subject. "Is there enough food?"

"Yeah there's plenty," Izzie said, checking once again that the roast wasn't burning. Meredith grabbed her keys from the kitchen counter.

"I'll be back soon," she said to Izzie.

Meredith drove to Derek's property. She wasn't sure what she was going to say when she got there but she knew that she wanted to see him. When she reached his trailer she was relieved to see that he was there, sitting outside, obviously deep in thought.

Derek looked up when he heard her car approach.

"Hey," he said with a smile as she got out of the car. "This is a nice surprise." Meredith managed a little smile in return.

"I just wanted to see you," she admitted, walking over to him. Derek stood up as Meredith approached him. He looked awkward for a moment, not knowing whether to hug her or not. He refrained, for fear of scaring her away.

"I can't let him rule my life," Meredith blurted out. It wasn't what she had expected to say. "I can't let the alcohol induced ramblings of a man I hardly know determine what my life is going to be." Derek knew that she was saying this to herself, as much as she was saying it to him. He didn't say anything, preferring to let her speak.

"I really care about you," Meredith said, stopping short of saying the three words that she desperately wanted, but couldn't bring herself, to say. "And before all this mess I told you that I don't want you to date other people… and I still don't. I know I've screwed up but I'm sorting myself out. I should have done it years ago but I'm doing it now and I'm asking you to be patient with me."

"I'll wait as long as you need me to," Derek said honestly. "There's no one else, Meredith." Rose was a distant memory.

"Okay," Meredith said, feeling relieved and a little emotional. "I actually didn't come out here to say that," she admitted, shocked by her own frankness. "Izzie's cooking a roast and I thought you might like to come over for dinner."

"I'd like that," Derek said with a little smile.

"Good," Meredith said, smiling back. "I'll see you then."

"You will," Derek replied.


	17. Chapter 17

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**CHAPTER SEVENTEEN**

Meredith smiled to herself as she drove home. Inviting Derek over dinner probably wouldn't seem like a big step for most people but it certainly was for her. Derek knew that. Meredith passed the hospital and felt a wave of anxiety wash over her. She had a reputation to rebuild and it wasn't going to be easy. Meredith instinctively slowed down as she looked over at Joe's bar. She found a parking space and got out of the Jeep. Meredith went into Joes and saw a few familiar faces: Mark Sloan, Erica Hahn as well as a group of nurses.

"Hey!" Cristina called out from the bar.

"Oh hey," Meredith said, spotting her.

"I heard about your dad at the hospital today. That sucks."

"God, does everyone know?" Meredith asked, annoyed, already knowing the answer. Gossip at Seattle Grace spread faster than disease.

"What are you doing here?" Cristina asked. "I thought alcohol was a no go for you now."

"It is," Meredith said. "Well, for the moment anyway. I'm actually looking for someone." Her eyes scanned the dimly lit bar until she spotted Alex sitting in the corner nursing a beer.

"I didn't even see him there," Cristina said, following Meredith's gaze.

"I don't think he wants to be seen tonight," Meredith said sadly. She turned back to Cristina. "Hey, do you want to come over for dinner? Izzie's cooking a roast."

"I'm trying to get in on a surgery," Cristina said, gesturing towards Erica Hahn. There's a heart being flown in from Sacramento for a transplant tonight."

"So you think if Hahn sees you hanging around here she'll let you in on the surgery?" Meredith asked, suppressing a laugh.

"Okay I know that makes me seem desperate but-"

"You're a desperate person," Meredith joked. "I'm gonna take Alex home. Good luck with getting in on the surgery."

Meredith left Cristina at the bar, pretending not to be staring at Erica Hahn. She went over to Alex. She initially thought that he was intoxicated from the way that he was sitting. As she got closer to him she realized that he was just deep in thought. Alex looked up at Meredith from his seat as she approached him.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, surprised to see her.

"I'm taking you home," Meredith said. "Come on." Alex shook his head and didn't move from where he's seated. "You can't say that you went through the same things as me and tell me I'm worth more than he said I was if you don't believe it yourself."

"I didn't say I was nothing," Alex said cynically.

"You didn't have to," Meredith said. "Everything about you shows that you think it. If I can try and be bright and shiny Meredith you can at least try and be bright and shiny Alex." Alex laughed a little. "I'm serious!" Meredith said. "Get up. We're going home."

"Fine," Alex said, giving in, leaving the beer on the table as Meredith led him out of Joe's.

Xxxxx

Derek paced around his trailer, thinking about Meredith. There were so many things that he wanted to ask her and so many things he wanted to tell her but he was wary of scaring her away. His cell phone in his pocket began to ring. He hated that he assumed that it was Meredith canceling their plans. He was surprised to see that it was Rose.

"Hi," Derek said awkwardly, answering the phone.

"Hi," Rose said back shortly. "This is awkward," she said.

"What do you mean?" Derek asked.

"We weren't exclusive, right?" Rose asked. Derek didn't know what to say. "Because we kinda fizzled out quickly and I know we never talked about it being over but I've started seeing someone else." Derek tried not to convey how relieved he was. "And I know that you're in love with Meredith Grey. Everybody knows that. It's so obvious. I'm pretty sure that we were all but finished but I thought I'd just call you and…" her voice trailed off.

"You're right," Derek admitted. "I am in love with Meredith. And I'm so sorry if-"

"Let's not do this," Rose said. "We had fun for a little while but that's all it was. No exclusive relationship, no long term plans. I'm not a broken woman."

"Okay," Derek said.

"So I guess I'll see you around at work."

"Yeah probably," Derek said. Rose hung up the phone. Derek felt relieved that she had seen their dates as lighthearted fun, as he had, and not something more serious. He checked his watch and decided to head over to Meredith's house

Xxxxx

Izzie smiled as she pulled the roast out of the oven. It looked and smelt fantastic. She was happy with her efforts.

"Thank you, God!" George rejoiced, smelling the roast as he arrived home from work exhausted. "Izzie, you're the best," he said as he went into the kitchen. The smell brought Meredith and Alex out of their rooms as well.

"That looks great, Iz," Meredith commented as George helped Izzie serve up the food. The doorbell rang.

"Are we expecting company?" George asked.

"Derek's coming over," Izzie said as Meredith went over to the door.

"Hey," Meredith said with a little smile as she opened the door.

"Hey," Derek said, smiling back and stepping into the house. "Oh man that smells fantastic!" he exclaimed, overcome by the aroma of Izzie's cooking.

"It does, doesn't it?" Meredith said, smiling and flirting just a little.

"It's ready!" Izzie called out. She and George set the plates on the table. The group marveled at the feast before them: roast pork, crackling, apple sauce and roasted vegetables.

"There's apple pie and ice cream for desert too," she added.

"This is unbelievable!" Alex said, digging in. Everybody agreed.

"Don't ever move out," George added. The rest of the evening was filled with light conversation and laughter. It was the most relaxed that Meredith had been in ages. She was glad to be spending time with Derek but was also happy to have the pressure taken off by having her friends there as well. After they had all helped clean up after dinner, Meredith walked Derek to the door. They stepped outside.

"That was great," Derek said. "The food was good too." Meredith smiled.

"Thanks for coming," she said genuinely. "You should come over again sometime."

"I'd like that," Derek said. They stood there for a moment, looking into each other's eyes, both thinking the same thing but afraid to take that next step. Instead of kissing Meredith, Derek leaned forward and hugged her, pulling her close to him and breathing her in. Meredith wrapped her arms around Derek and listened to the steady sound of his heartbeat. She felt the constant anxiety that she lived with begin to lessen as she allowed Derek to hold her close to him.

_Meredith was five years old._

"_Wake up," her mother said. Meredith opened her eyes and yawned as Ellis opened the curtains. "It's time to start the day." Meredith was confused. The curtains were never allowed to be opened. _

"_You're going to day care today," Ellis said. "You're going to play with other children. Now hurry up and get dressed. I have to go to work." Meredith later learned that her father had remarried. Ellis now felt as though he wouldn't try to come after them now that he had a new wife and a baby on the way. At day care, Meredith sat by herself. Having hardly ever been around another child, she was crippled by shyness and didn't know how to play all the games that the other kids played. She was an outcast. _


	18. Chapter 18

Thank you to the reviewers. Please continue to let me know what you think. It keeps me motivated. I hope you like this chapter. Just to refresh your memory, the last chapter ended with Meredith having a flashback as Derek was holding her.

**CHAPTER EIGHTEEN**

"Are you okay?" Derek asked Meredith, concerned. He had been holding her in his arms outside of her house when she had suddenly tensed up. "Meredith?" Meredith took a step back, looking shell shocked. "Meredith, what is it?" Derek asked. Meredith closed her eyes and took a deep breath before exhaling slowly, something that Doctor Walter, the psychiatrist, had taught her to do. When she opened her eyes after taking a moment everything was still how it was. Derek was still standing there. There was no need to run away or panic. Meredith was surprised at how in control she felt so soon after a flashback.

"Yeah, I'm okay," she said to Derek with a little smile, meaning it this time.

"Do you wanna come hang out at the trailer?" he asked, hoping to get her to tell him more.

"I think I'm gonna just hang out here," Meredith said. "I'm not pushing you away. Not like I was, but I'm dealing with a lot and I have to process it on my own."

"I understand," Derek said softly. He was proud of the way that Meredith was starting to take care of herself. "I'll see you around," he said.

"You will," Meredith said. "Sleep well."

"Call me if you need anything," Derek said as he got into his car.

"I will," Meredith replied softly.

xxxxxxx

"That seemed to go well," Izzie said as Meredith went inside.

"Yeah, it did," Meredith said with a little smile.

"So where are you two at the moment?" Izzie asked.

"I want to let him in," Meredith replied. "I'm trying to let him in. I'm just working on putting myself back together."

"That's good to hear," Izzie said with a smile. She was proud of Meredith for facing her demons. Meredith yawned.

"I might go to bed," she said. "Thank you for dinner. It was wonderful."

"No problem," Izzie replied. "I think I'll hit the sack too." Meredith turned to walk up the stairs but stopped for a moment and turned back to Izzie.

"You're a really good friend Izzie," Meredith said sincerely. "I don't tell you that enough." Izzie was stunned. It wasn't the kind of thing that Meredith would usually say. She wasn't the sentimental type. Nevertheless, Izzie was touched by what she said.

"Thank you," Izzie said appreciatively as Meredith went upstairs to bed.

xxxxxxx

The next morning George, Izzie and Alex awoke to the smell of breakfast cooking. They all went into the hall.

"Is Meredith making breakfast… again?" George asked sleepily.

"Either that or it's cooking itself," Alex muttered, heading down the stairs.

"That would be cool," George replied. Izzie laughed.

"Pancakes?" Meredith asked from the kitchen.

"Hell yeah," Alex replied as Meredith served the pancakes up on plates.

"I have a little announcement to make," Meredith said as she handed the others a plate of pancakes each and they sat down at the dining room table. They all looked at her seriously. "Relax, it's a good announcement," Meredith added. "Well, I think it is anyway." Alex, Izzie and George braced themselves for what she was going to say.

"I want to sell the house," Meredith said. "But," she added before they could protest, "I know we started out as roommates but you are my family and I'm hoping that we can get another place together. It's just that ever since I started therapy I've been having these flashbacks which have reminded me of some things that happened in this house and I don't think it's healthy for me to stay here. The old Meredith would have stayed anyway but I'm trying to make an effort to be less self destructive so I need to close this chapter of my life." Meredith expected some opposition from her friends but was surprised at the reaction.

"Cool," Alex said, shrugging. He didn't care where he lived.

"Thank God," George said happily. "I'd give anything not to be sleeping on the floor."

"Can I decorate it?" Izzie asked, her eyes widening as she thought of the creative possibilities.

"Go for it," Meredith giggled. "As long as there's no bright pink couch cushions or anything. I'll never be that bright and shiny."

"It's gonna be the best looking place ever!" Izzie exclaimed, more ideas filling her head.

"I went on the internet this morning and had a look at what was out there," Meredith continued, handing around a stack of papers. "These all looked pretty good. "We'd all get our own rooms, the rent isn't too high but there's enough space so that we're not driving each other crazy."

"Why is this one circled?" George asked as he looked at one apartment that Meredith had highlighted with a thick red marker as someone opened the front door.

"Hey that's in Cristina's building," Izzie said, leaning over to look at the advertisement.

"What's in my building?" Cristina asked as she entered the kitchen, pulled up a chair next to Meredith and started eating her pancakes.

"Meredith's selling the house," George said.

"Good move," Cristina said approvingly. She snatched the apartment advertisement away from George. "You're gonna move in to my building?" she asked Meredith with a genuine smile.

"If George, Izzie and Alex approve of the apartment," Meredith replied.

"Oh, so you're all moving in," Cristina said. Izzie glared at her. "What?" Cristina protested. "I didn't say anything! That's… uh…great."

"We should call and arrange to see the place," George said. Meredith smiled.

"I'll call the real estate agent this morning," she said. "So, did you get in on Hahn's surgery?" she asked Cristina.

"Duh," Cristina replied. "Why do you think I'm in such a good mood?" George, Izzie and Alex laughed. Cristina's mood was no different to usual.

When they had finished breakfast Alex found a moment alone with Meredith.

"Are you okay?" Meredith asked. He looked nervous. Alex swallowed, thinking about not going through with what he wanted to ask.

"Thanks for pulling me out of Joe's last night," he said. "I probably would have stayed there all night."

"Don't worry about it," Meredith replied.

"I… uh… I wondered if you could maybe give me the number of the therapist that you're seeing," Alex said, looking at the floor.

"Sure," Meredith replied, presently surprised. "You're thinking of seeing her?" Alex shrugged.

"Well since working out your crap is the new thing I thought I might try it," he joked.

"I'm proud," Meredith said, writing down the therapist's number on a piece of paper and handing it to Alex.

"Don't tell anyone that I…" Alex's voice trailed off.

"My lips are sealed," Meredith replied. She gave Alex a supportive squeeze of the hand before getting ready to face work again.


	19. Chapter 19

Thank you to the people who have reviewed this story. I really appreciate it. Please continue to let me know what you think.

**CHAPTER NINETEEN **

Meredith stood outside of Seattle Grace hospital.

"Mer, are you coming?" Izzie asked as she George and Alex kept walking.

"In a minute," Meredith replied. "I forgot something," she lied.

"See you in there," George replied with a supportive smile. He knew how nervous Meredith was about dealing with her interns again after everything that had happened. Meredith's heart was racing as she stood outside the hospital. So much had happened there. It was the source of many of her flashbacks, her mother's life, her mother's death, Susan's death, moments with her father that she'd rather forget, her own death and resurrection. The building in front of her held a lot of bad memories and the previous night Meredith had found herself wondering if staying there was the best move. She had momentarily considered a transfer to another hospital or even a new city altogether; somewhere that she had never been and where there were no ghosts of her past to haunt her. But Meredith had soon realized that there was no way that she could leave Seattle Grace. Her mind had crossed to the happier memories of her time there. If she hadn't started her internship there she never would have laid eyes on Derek again after the one night stand. It was where she had fallen in love with him and where she had met her best friends who had become the closest thing that she had ever had to a family. It was where her mentor and father figure, Richard Webber, kept a watchful eye over her and it was the place where she had started to feel for the first time that her life had some sense of direction. Whilst Seattle Grace had thrown many curveballs her way, it was her home.

"Hey," Meredith turned as she heard a welcome voice behind her.

"Hey," she said to Derek with a little smile as he approached her.

"Ready for a new day?" he asked.

"As ready as I'll ever be, I guess," Meredith replied. Derek sensed her apprehension.

"It'll be okay," he said encouragingly. "I promise that I won't hit anyone today… and I've already made sure that your father… I mean, Thatcher, isn't here. He was sent home."

"Good," Meredith replied with a smile, surprised at how much relief that information had brought with it.

"So are you gonna go in or stand out here all day?" Derek asked. "Don't get me wrong, it is a lovely day but I have a craniotomy scheduled for this morning that I thought you might like to scrub in on."

"I'm going in," Meredith said bravely.

"I'm glad," Derek replied. He took a step forward but Meredith refrained. Derek held his hand out and Meredith gratefully took it. They walked into the hospital together.

"I understand if you're not ready," Derek said as they walked. "But I was wondering if I could take you out to dinner tonight somewhere nice."

"Like a date?" Meredith asked.

"That's right," Derek replied. "A date with no pressure and no expectations."

"I'd like that," Meredith replied.

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"Okay, here's how it's gonna work," Meredith said as she entered the interns' locker room with an air of authority that masked how nervous she really was. She placed an enormous stack of files on the bench. "It appears that in my time away you have been slacking off on charting and I'm not impressed. So this morning you will do nothing but chart until they are all finished. When you've done that, you can discharge these patients in time to do your morning rounds." Meredith placed another stack of files on the bench. Her interns did not look impressed. "You're surgical interns," Meredith lectured with an authority that reminded George of Bailey. "You should be hungry. You should be motivated and you should be doing everything that you can to get in on surgeries, even when I'm not here to baby sit you. If you can't do your job as interns I suggest that you quit now because I'm afraid that you're not going cut it in the surgical world. Now either you want this or you don't. Do I make myself clear?" Meredith's interns nodded. Meredith wondered if she had finally managed to get through to them. "Doctor O'Malley," Meredith said, targeting George. "You appear to be the only intern amongst this group who can show initiative, diagnose a mystery illness and complete chart work without needing your hand held to do it. I've been talking to the other residents so I know exactly what has been going on."

"Thank you, Doctor Grey," George said.

"No, thank you, Doctor O'Malley, for doing your job," Meredith replied. "You can help me prep Doctor Shepherd's patient for his craniotomy this morning. Then you can scrub in." The other interns' eyes widened with jealousy. Meredith could tell that they were regretting their decision to slack off.

"Oh," Meredith added, just before she left. "Doctor Shepherd requires another intern for the surgery, so the first out of the rest of you to finish without making any mistakes can scrub in. If none of you can do it, I'll take one Doctor Yang's interns. Now get to work." Meredith and George left the locker room and for once the sound of gossip about Meredith's personal life didn't follow them. The interns were busy charting.

"Nice work," George complimented Meredith as they walked through the halls. "I could only see your hands shaking a little bit." Meredith couldn't help laughing a little.

"Before I forget," she said to George. "Are you able to look at the apartment after work?"

"Sure," George replied. "I'll be there."

"Good," Meredith said, relishing the idea of a new beginning.

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_Meredith was in Boston, still hating kindergarten where she didn't know how to even begin to interact with the other children. She spent her days doing puzzles by herself in the corner of the room and challenging herself to activities that the older children found more difficult. It didn't take long for the teachers to realize that what Meredith lacked in social skills she more than made up for in intelligence. _

_Meredith dragged herself into the living room one morning and was surprised to see her mother and several delivery men packing everything into boxes._

"_Mommy?" Meredith asked, confused by what was happening._

"_We're moving back to Seattle, Meredith" Ellis announced. Meredith didn't know a lot about cities but she knew enough to know that the name 'Seattle' was associated with her violent and dangerous father. Meredith's eyes welled with tears and she began sobbing hysterically._

"_No! No! No!" she screamed, fearing the worst. For the first time in her short life Meredith had been living without fear and the thought of going back to sleepless, terrifying nights scared her to death. "I'm staying here!" Meredith cried. "You can go, Mommy, but I'm staying here!"_

"_Don't you want to see Richard?" Ellis asked her. "I thought you liked Richard." Meredith nodded. She was confused by what was happening._

"_What about Daddy?" Meredith asked._

"_You won't have to see him, I promise," Ellis said. "He can't hurt us now. I won't let him. We're going to get a new house and Richard's going to live with us. How does that sound?"_

"_Good," Meredith replied, wiping her tears away with the back of her hand._

"Meredith?" Richard asked, snapping Meredith out of the memory that had just come back to her. "Are you okay?" Meredith had been standing in the middle of the hall, staring into space. Meredith turned and faced Richard. Although there were still parts of her childhood that she couldn't remember, Meredith knew enough to know that they had never found their happily ever after with Richard.

"I'm fine," Meredith said sadly. "I have to go. I have a surgery."


	20. Chapter 20

Thank you for being patient with me

Thank you for being patient with me. I've had a lot of university work to do so I have had little time to update. I hope that you like this chapter. Please review.

**CHAPTER TWENTY**

_Meredith was five years old and in Seattle riding the carousel. It was one of the few moments in her life so far when she had felt happy and carefree. Her mother had stayed true to her word. Meredith's father was no where to be seen and any moment now Richard, the only man that Meredith had ever trusted, would be there to take them to their new home. _

"_Mommy!" Meredith called out happily to her mother. "Watch me!" Ellis looked over at her daughter and smiled but it was obvious that her mind was elsewhere. She looked at her watch for what must have been the hundredth time. He was late. Richard was late._

_Meredith giggled happily as she rode the carousel, closing her eyes and savoring the feeling of the wind hitting her face. She felt as though she was flying. Meredith's momentary feeling of freedom was interrupted by the sound of her mother sounding distressed. Meredith snapped her eyes open and saw her mother and Richard. They weren't the picture of happiness that she had expected, however. Ellis was shouting, almost begging Richard not to go. Where could he be going? Meredith wondered to herself as she strained her neck to see them. When the carousel moved back around, Richard was gone._

"_You can't do this! You promised!" Ellis sobbed loudly. Meredith was frightened. The mother that she had come to know was a force of nature. It wasn't unusual for her to shout at somebody but she never, ever let anybody see her cry. Now she was standing in the middle of a park sobbing, drawing stares from curious strangers who passed by. Meredith knew in that moment that her dream of a perfect family with Richard was over. She never wanted to get off of the carousel._

"Doctor Grey?" Derek asked as he and Meredith stood over their unconscious patient in the OR.

"I'm sorry, what?" Meredith asked, snapping back to reality.

"I asked you if you would like to make the first incision," Derek said firmly. It was more a tone of concern than annoyance.

"Um…" Meredith stammered, looking down to her hand which was trembling slightly. She turned to George. "I'm a teacher now," she said to Derek. "I shouldn't be selfish. Doctor O'Malley, would you like to make the first incision?"

"Thank you, Doctor Grey," George said gratefully, taking the scalpel out of Meredith's hand. As he did this he took her hand in his for a comforting moment.

"Thank you," Meredith whispered to him. Meredith stood back and watched as Derek talked George through the incision on the patient's scalp.

"Twenty bucks says she bails," an intern muttered from the gallery where they had gathered to watch the spectacle of Meredith just as much as the surgery.

"I'd put fifty on it," another intern said. "Fifty says she's out of there in twenty minutes."

"You're on," a third intern said, pulling a note book out of the pocket of his scrubs.

"A hundred says you're not getting in on any surgeries for the next month," Cristina interrupted, turning around from the front row where the other interns hadn't seen her. They looked like deer caught in the headlights when they saw the vicious look on her face. Cristina snatched the book and the money away from them. "These are mine now. Get out before I throw you out." The interns didn't say anything. They simply looked at her stunned. "Do you think I'm kidding?" Cristina asked, raising her voice. "I know you. You're Doctor Stevens' interns. I'm serious. No surgeries for a month. Maybe even longer. Now get out!"

"Yes ma'am," the interns muttered nervously as they made a hasty exit from the gallery.

"Nice work, Doctor Yang," Bailey said from the back row of the gallery. Cristina didn't know that she had been there.

"Thank you, Doctor Bailey," Cristina replied, turning her attention back to the surgery. "Come on, Meredith," she said under her breath.

_After Meredith had finished her carousel ride, Ellis began walking back to her car in a daze. When Meredith caught up to her, Ellis wasn't crying anymore. She looked broken, as though Richard had taken a piece of her that could never be returned. _

"_Mommy?" Meredith asked, unsure of what else to say. She reached for her mother's hand but Ellis didn't respond._

"_Get in the car," she said coldly. Meredith did as she was told. She climbed into the back seat and said nothing as her mother drove erratically though the streets of Seattle. She pulled up at a supermarket and instructed Meredith to stay in the car while she rushed inside. _

_Meredith wasn't sure how much time had passed when she looked out of the window and saw a man who was very familiar to her. Thatcher Grey was pushing a shopping trolley, laughing and talking to another woman who was holding a baby capsule. Meredith slinked down in her seat as she saw them stop at the car next to theirs. The woman clipped the baby capsule securely into the back seat while Thatcher unloaded the groceries into the back of the car. He stood mere centimeters away from Meredith as he made faces at the baby who giggled in response. Meredith ducked down in her seat as he turned around but it was too late. He had already seen her. To her surprise, he smiled and gave her a little wave before climbing into the driver's side of the car. Although Meredith had been crouched down with her hood pulled over her head, the emotion hit her like a tonne of bricks. _

'_He doesn't recognize me,' she thought to herself. 'He has no idea who I am.'_

"Doctor Grey?" Derek asked. Meredith snapped back to reality once again to find the surgical staff in the OR staring at her. She could also feel the eyes of everybody in the gallery on her.

"I'm sorry, what?" Meredith asked, trying to get her heart rate back to normal.

"I want you to clip the aneurism," Derek said. Meredith raised her eyebrows, surprised to be given such a task. "You can do it," Derek said, encouragingly. "I know you can do this." Meredith nodded. She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths and with a steady hand she took the surgical instruments. With Derek leaning over her shoulder and guiding her gently through it, Meredith managed to clip the patient's aneurism without interfering with surrounding brain tissue.

"That's it," Derek said, impressed by Meredith's effort.

"I did it?" Meredith asked, surprised.

"You did it," Derek said with a smile. "Now finish up for me." Meredith looked doubtful. "I'm standing right here," Derek said encouragingly. "I'm not going anywhere. I want you to close up for me."

"Yes, Doctor Shepherd," Meredith said, sounding nervous. It took longer than expected but Meredith managed to finish the surgery without needing additional assistance from Derek. She breathed a sigh of relief as she stepped back.

"You did good, Grey," Bailey said in the gallery, proud of her star resident. "Welcome back."

_Meredith was sitting in the living room of the house that was supposed to be their new family home with Richard. Her mother was nowhere to be found, having left her to play with her dolls and surrounded by unopened boxes. After a while Meredith had a feeling. She couldn't explain it to her five year old self but she had a feeling that something was very wrong. _

"_Mommy?" she called out. There was no answer. Meredith wandered through the winding halls of the house until she came to the bathroom where she could see a glimpse of her mother's hair. _

"_Mommy?" she said again as she made her way to the bathroom. Meredith opened the door completely unprepared for what she was about to see. Her mother was lying in the bath unconscious and fully clothed, the water stained red. Blood red._


	21. Chapter 21

Just letting you know that this is the second last chapter of this fic. I hope you enjoy it. Please review.

**CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE**

Meredith pulled her jacket out of her locker and draped it over her shoulders. She had made it through the day. Somehow she had made it through the stares and the gossip, pulled her interns into line and held her own in a difficult surgery.

"You did good, Meredith," she said to herself, secretly proud of her efforts for the day.

"Yes, you did." Meredith jumped as she heard a voice behind her. She turned around to see Bailey standing there.

"I… I thought I was alone," Meredith said, embarrassed.

"No harm in patting yourself on the back every now and then," Bailey replied. "God knows the attendings do it at every given opportunity." Meredith laughed a little. "I just came down to see how you're doing."

"I'm okay," Meredith replied honestly.

"You impressed a lot of people with your surgical skills today," Bailey said.

"I was scared out of my mind," Meredith admitted.

"That never really changes," Bailey said truthfully. "In case you don't already know, you show a real talent with neurosurgery. As much as I'd love for you to become a general surgeon just like me, I think you and I both know where your future lies." Meredith nodded. "The Chief had to leave early but you should know that you impressed the hell out of him today. He's gonna take you off probation. Welcome back, Grey."

"Thanks," Meredith replied appreciatively. "I'll see you tomorrow, Doctor Bailey."

Meredith took the elevator down to the hospital foyer where Alex, George and Izzie were waiting.

"Ready to inspect apartments?" Izzie asked excitedly.

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"I'm not sharing a room!" Alex protested when they were inside the prospective apartment which was much smaller and much less desirable than the flyer had made out.

"Then move out!" Izzie snapped back.

"You move out!" Alex retaliated.

"I'm not going anywhere!" George chimed in. Meredith turned to the frazzled real estate agent.

"I'm sorry about them," she said. "But the advertisement did say that the apartment has four bedrooms. Not three. Maybe you should just leave us to have a little talk." The real estate agent slinked away as Cristina found her way inside.

"Oh this is gonna be great," Cristina laughed as she watched the bickering between her fellow residents over bedrooms and where the furniture was going to go. "I'll never have to watch trashy TV ever again."

"This isn't going to work," Meredith concluded. At least at the house they all had their space and could stay out of each other's way.

"You're going to keep the house?" George asked.

"No, I'm not keeping the house," Meredith replied. "I don't know. I'll figure something out."

"There's another apartment for rent down the hall," Cristina added. "The view's not as good but at least this way you won't kill each other… it won't be as much fun for me to watch though."

"Oooh another apartment!" Izzie exclaimed, excitedly, rushing down the hall. George followed her. Meredith turned to Alex.

"If they like it can you be my roommate?" she asked him almost pleadingly.

"You're on," Alex replied. He and Meredith had an implicit understanding and respect of each other's inability to be bright and shiny.

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At seven on the dot Meredith followed the directions that Derek had given her and arrived at their favourite restaurant. It was the place where they'd sought refuge from the hospital when they'd first become a couple, before all of the drama started. Meredith looked around and saw Derek sitting at their usual table. He gave her his 'McDreamy' smile. Meredith smiled back and felt butterflies in her stomach. It was the excitement that came with dating.

"Hey," Derek said as Meredith took a seat. The table was romantically lit with candles.

"Hey," Meredith said back. Derek reached across the table and took Meredith's hand in his. "Can you bring us a bottle of your best champagne please?" he asked the waiter.

"Certainly, Sir," the waiter replied.

"I'll just have water," Meredith spoke up. Derek looked at her confused.

"Are you sure?" he asked. It wasn't like Meredith to turn down alcohol.

"I'm staying away from alcohol for awhile," Meredith said.

"Oh okay," Derek replied. "We'll just have water," he said to the waiter who left to get it.

"I don't mind if you drink," Meredith said to him. "I just don't want to, that's all."

"No, water's fine," Derek replied. He looked at Meredith's glowing skin and stopped for a moment. "Are you… pregnant?" he asked nervously. Meredith started laughing.

"No! God, no," she said laughing. "I'm just re evaluating a lot of things in my life at the moment."

"Me too," Derek said. Meredith looked confused. "I owe you an apology."

"Derek, what I did had nothing to do with you. It goes much deeper than that."

"I understand that," Derek said. "But I haven't always treated you well. I knew about your trust issues and yet if anything I made them worse." Meredith sipped her water that the waiter had brought over. She couldn't exactly argue with what Derek had just said. "I didn't let you trust me and then I tried to stop you from moving on. I knew that you had problems and I made them worse and for that I am sorry."

"I appreciate that," Meredith said in a quiet voice.

"Meredith," Derek said. "I love you. I'm in love with you. I wish that I could take back the past but I can't. All I know is that I don't want to hurt you. I want to be with you. I love you."

"I love you too," Meredith said. They leaned forward and kissed lovingly. Meredith sat back in her seat. "I love you so much it scares the hell out of me," she admitted. Meredith took a deep breath and looked away. "My mother tried to kill herself after Richard left her," she said after a long pause. "That's where the stuff I blocked out ends and the stuff I remember starts." Derek listened, saddened by Meredith's painful memories. "I wasn't exactly slitting my wrists but I was putting myself in dangerous situations before I started therapy. I don't want to end up like my mother. At all. Well… maybe the brilliant, extraordinary surgeon part." Derek gave Meredith a little smile. He knew how difficult it was for her to talk about such personal things and he could see how far she had come and how much she had grown. It had nothing to do with him. She had done it all on her own and he was proud of her.

"You're nothing like your mother," Derek reassured her. "Well, maybe the brilliant, extraordinary surgeon part."

"Damn right," Meredith joked. "Did you see me today?" They laughed for a moment. "In all seriousness, I don't want fear to rule my life. I'm moving forward. I'm selling the house and getting a new place. And when that's organized I'd love for you to come and see it."

"Oh really?" Derek asked seductively.


	22. Chapter 22

This is the last chapter of this fic, I'm sad to say. I'd hoped to update much sooner but I've had a crazy few weeks. Anyway, it's written now. I hope that you've enjoyed reading this fic. I've certainly enjoyed writing it. Thank you again to those of you who have reviewed. Please review for me one last time. I hope you're all well.

**CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO**

_Three months later_

Meredith unlocked the door to her apartment and went inside followed by Derek.

"Ouch!" Derek said as he tripped over a box. He managed to catch himself just before he landed on the floor. Meredith tried not to giggle.

"You've been living here for over two months now," Derek said to Alex who was lying on the couch reading. "Don't you think you should start unpacking?"

"Are you offering?" Alex asked. Derek laughed as he followed Meredith into the kitchen.

"We're going out for dinner, Alex," Meredith called out from the kitchen. "Do you want me to heat up some leftovers for you?"

"Yeah, thanks," Alex replied. "Your laundry's done as well."

"Thanks," Meredith said appreciatively.

Meredith and Alex liked living together. They had an unspoken understanding about a lot of things and didn't always need to talk to communicate. Both of them valued their space. They shared jobs around the apartment without the bickering that was present in George and Izzie's residence, just a few doors down from Cristina. Cristina had complained for a while but Izzie had managed to shut her up with an assortment of baked goods and roast meals so that she didn't starve.

Derek liked that Alex lived with Meredith as well. Although he didn't know the whole story, he was aware that Alex and Meredith had a lot in common in regard to their childhoods. Although things were going well between him and Meredith, Derek knew that there were some things that were easier for her to talk to Alex about and he was okay with that. He also knew that Alex had been in therapy with Meredith's encouragement. With each other's support, they had both made significant process.

If they had known, many of Derek's acquaintances would have been surprised that he also was in therapy. It was something that he didn't discuss but it had benefited him enormously. Derek was very aware that he had hurt Meredith in the past and he was determined never to do it again. By learning more about himself and taking responsibility for his role in their break up, he hoped hat it would strengthen their relationship.

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"Where are we going?" Meredith asked with a smile as Derek drove through the streets of Seattle.

"You'll just have to wait and see," Derek replied, noticing how relaxed Meredith seemed these days. It was as though a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.

"I'm a surgeon," Meredith replied. "Soon to be neurosurgeon and neurosurgeons hate surprises."

"We're almost there," Derek said. "Wait, did you say neurosurgeon?" Meredith nodded.

"Oh come on, don't act so surprised," she replied. "You don't honestly think I've been spending all that time in your OR just so I can look at you."

"Well…" Derek joked. Meredith laughed. "That's great," he said with a smile. "I was hoping that you would go with neurosurgery. Everybody was." Meredith looked out of the window.

"Even though it wasn't her specialty, I hope my mother would be proud."

"I'd lay money on it," Derek replied as they arrived at their destination. Meredith looked confused.

"Here?" she asked, a little confused. They were parked near land that Derek had recently purchased.

"Close your eyes and wait here," Derek said. "No peeking." Meredith did as she was instructed. She heard Derek getting something out of the back of his car. Then there was silence for a few minutes before she heard his footsteps again.

"Ready?" he asked. Meredith nodded as she felt Derek's hand in hers. Meredith allowed Derek to lead her up the steep climb to Derek's newly acquired land. Her jaw dropped as she saw a candlelit table and two chairs set up near the edge with a breathtaking view of Seattle. It certainly wasn't what Meredith had been expecting. She was speechless.

"Wow," Meredith finally said, as Derek led her over to the table. He pulled her chair out for her, sat down and opened a basket which contained their dinner. "What are we having?" Meredith asked, peering into the basket.

"Freshly cooked trout," Derek said with a smile. "I only just caught it." Meredith laughed. She hadn't grown tired of trout yet, much to Derek's delight. She sat back and allowed Derek to fill their plates. "I know you haven't been drinking lately," Derek said, when the food had been served. "And I wasn't sure what you would want so I brought lemonade and champagne."

"Champagne would be great," Meredith said.

"Are you sure?" Derek asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Yes," Meredith said with a little laugh. "A glass of champagne would be nice. I'm saying no to using alcohol to mask my problems but I say yes to it in the name of romance." Derek leaned forward and kissed Meredith on the lips tenderly before pouring them each a glass of his favourite French champagne. They ate in comfortable silence for a while before Derek spoke.

"I brought you here for a reason," he said. Meredith looked nervous. "It's okay," Derek said, realizing that he must be freaking Meredith out. "We've been dating again for a few months. I'm not going to throw marriage at you tonight." Meredith breathed a sigh of relief. "I just wanted to know what you thought of the view from this spot." Meredith looked out over the city of Seattle.

"It's beautiful," she said honestly.

"How would you like to eat here every night in about six months time?" Meredith looked confused as Derek took a sip of his champagne.

"We're sitting on the balcony," he said. "Tomorrow, the house is being built. I have the house plans in the car. This is the balcony." Derek pointed in another direction. "That's the kitchen, one of the spare bedrooms, and over there, that's the master bedroom. It'll take approximately six months. If you're ready I would love it if you would move in. If you're not ready, than that's absolutely fine." He paused for a moment. "In the past I've put a lot of pressure on you in this relationship and it hasn't been fair. I just want you to know that we can take things at your pace. Whether you want to move in straight away or not, I'm not going anywhere." He took Meredith's hand in his. "You're it for me." Meredith leaned forward and kissed Derek on the lips. A while ago she would have run away from intimate situations such as this but this time she actually liked the idea of living with Derek in a new house. A new beginning. She knew that she had grown but Derek putting less pressure on her made her feel more secure in the future of their relationship.

Meredith sipped her champagne and sat back, admiring the view. She made sure to take in this moment. For once she was not allowing her past and her fears to hold her back and she wasn't allowing Derek to pressure her. Meredith didn't know if she would be ready in six months but she knew that she would eventually be ready. She would get her happy ending.

Because she now knew that she deserved it.

**THE END **


End file.
